And it’s not alright…….

And I am walking through the crazy city streets, the world around me a haze as I once more am lost inside my own thoughts, inside my own world, avoiding puddles, like people anything to get out of this crazy place, as people push, rush and barge past all in a hurry, all going somewhere, all with purpose, walls and definition to their own life, some reason for being there. I suddenly begin to wonder what exactly I am doing here, I am the only one with no reason for being there, no reason, no purpose for being on that street, walking in that direction, I have no direction, no destination, I am just there wandering aimlessly. I am sure that I had some reason for heading off into the city, but have long since forgot it, in a world full of people going someplace, I have no right, reason or purpose for being there, I am just an empty face wandering aimlessly in a sea of people all with definition.

I used to think the world was crazy, rushing here there and everywhere, all doing something going someplace, but now I suddenly see that it’s not in fact the world that is insane, but me and I have to wonder what I am doing there.

I take out my iPhone, play with the screen, may be that will give some form, some definition, some purpose, some reason for being there, yet I know deep down inside that it will not, after all it’s only a thing, a toy that like me, means nothing more than the context that it’s in.

I am a lost shadow, wandering in a world full of reality defined by its own rules, its walls and regulations, I am the empty promise, the half spoken words, the unfinished blog post that somehow escaped the drafts box and set its self-free upon the world.

This city is so much like my life, a world passing my by day by day that I can find no part in and I see how mad it’s all become, how much I have let slip, how far I have gone. I have lost the reality and replaced it with my own dreams, I am somehow here in presence but not in soul, a puppet going through the motions, the actions but to what avail.

As deeper and deeper into the crowds I wander the realisation hits me that I am so far away now that I don’t know the way back, I am wandering from the real to the dream, to the idea and it’s not alright, it’s far from alright…………

A man stands on the corner shouting words of wisdom, words of God, that echo through my mind and I wonder if I am actually seen, if anyone actually sees me? They may see the mask I wear, they may see the face I have on, but do they actually see me this sad and desperate person trying to find a place to fit in a way to begin, as the people pass me by they are like the days of my life passing by eternal, slipping away into the blur of the crowds behind, leaving me to find purpose and definition in a world of their own right.

The more I think the more I see….and it’s not alright its far from alright……

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~ by Duma Key on July 7, 2011.

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