Running once more…

And I am running again………. Rain beats down on my windscreen so hard and so fast that the wipers struggle to keep up, all around me the world is a blur of headlights and tail lights, dancing in the tiny prisms of light tapped in the moment, lost in the rain.

I am driving down a road, a random road, heat blowing from the dashboard, music blasting from the radio, anything to shut out the thoughts that run through my mind. Red lights flash in a blur of rain and wiper slush as the traffic in front begins to slow, forming orderly ques.

For a moment, one fleeting moment I have an urge to speed up to drive right on through the now static traffic, right on through the rains and on and on into the distance, to slip away and leave it all behind, to be any place but here, but I know that when I get there it just wont be enough.

I know its pointless as I join the orderly que of static cars and take my turn, my part in the great wheel of life, but I can’t help wondering, longing ,yearning to be free.

As I sit and wait my turn to move, reaching for my cigarettes looking at the way the heavy rain and light seems to cast a vail of chaos on the world outside, I am struck with the notion of how even in chaos we are drawn to order, to seek out the rules and obey.

The passing light seems to bend the very edges of the world outside, yet car by car they all line up and take their part, wait there turn. I begin to wonder if this is what it will be like on the day the lights go out, the day we have finally drained the world of all she has, when our progress has progressed leaving us with nothing but a wondering for where it all went, on that day will we form orderly ques at the traffic lights, will we seek out the rules, conform to the craziness of the only thing we know?

I puff on my cigarette, Lady Ga Ga sings of her telephone and I smile, turning up the volume so it drains out the noise of the world outside, I smile as that song reminds me of my now dormant mobile that always seems to ring, the lights have changed, the traffic begins to move heading off in various directions, like the light refracted through the rain, different paths, different lights. I am aware the car in front has moved yet still I sit and wait, one random car holding up the chain.

 Lady Ga Ga blasts out louder now as I turn up the volume to drown out the honking horns of the impatient traffic behind, I am lost in a moment of thought, lost in the song, lost in the rain and lost in my life. I puff on my cigarette and watch the lights ahead flicker from green to amber, then to red….my foot hits the pedal and off I shoot, leaving the hoards of angry traffic behind, now not sure what to do as I jump the red right, in my rear view mirror I watch as they edge forward unsure…..a sence of liberation fleetingly passes over me, I have no real idea why I did that I guess I just did.

As I drive back to the place I am living for now, I feel both liberated and trapped.

Later I am in a bar Jack Daniels and I are on a road to collision, I take out my cigarettes, its raining outside, I don’t want to move from my seat, the pretty girl behind the bar has my eye, she has something about her. I take out my smoke, light and take a drag, there is murmuring around me, shock horror I am smoking in a place only a short time ago no one would care.

Lady Ga Ga once more blasts from the speakers as the guy on the door, Radio in hand strolls over to ask me to leave, a friend of old, he sees the look in my eyes, my glass is filled an ashtray appears. Nervous now the rats take out there smokes, the braver one or two light up and others follow, may be there is some hope left after all? 

Pretty girls shift is over, I offer her a drink a smoke.

Later still we talk, I walk her home, completely the wrong way but I feel I should, I know this is crazy, I know this is wrong. Inside more Jack Daniels and we are on the floor, half way up the stairs, in the bathroom then the bedroom, up against the wall, in the bed, her appetite is fiearce…..we lay together gasping for breath and sleep… need for words….morning light pales we exchange numbers we both know we will never call, we talk of dates we both know we will never have, a future that will never be.

I am heading to work, a far cry from the wild child of yesterday, smart italian business suit, sharp shoes, always the shoes, once more Lady Ga Ga crys out from the radio about her telephone as mine begins to ring from the cradle and cut out the music as I switch to business mode, put on my mask and change my tone.

I am sitting in the office, 120 e-mails in my in box a pile of papers on my desk Lady Ga Ga running through my head, I am not going to answer my telephone…I have another new life now….the old mask lays empty forgotten behind my door and this time I tell myself, this time I wont run again…..yet I already know I will……and my telephone rings it’s the girl from the bar, her face has already faded from my memory but her eyes, those beautiful eyes still haunt my thoughts….its always the eyes……..and I am running again………….!

~ by Duma Key on May 4, 2010.

4 Responses to “Running once more…”

  1. when I first started reading…I thought to myself…just need some good hard sex and things will all fall into place…but then I read you did that…smiles

    One day…it will be more than the eyes that haunt your will be everything about them…their voice…the way their hair shines in the sunlight…the soft way they touch…then the demanding way…and you will slow down…take a closer look…and maybe sit a spell…smiles

    blows smoke into the air and waves at you…nice writing…

  2. Rules are made to be broken, chaos makes us feel alive, most people just aren’t aware of themselves enough to grasp that desire to run the red light, to just run. I have missed reading your words…amazing as usual. xx

  3. And maybe she is running too … its funny how when I started reading this I though it’s me … your me, the meaningless encounters, the roughness of the night, the pushed aside guilt and bad feeling of the days that follow. Then I start to wonder if I am her, or if she is me, or if just simply two people got lost in a moment as you two did, and in that moment I can see fragments of my own memories.

    It’s been a while since I ‘read’ anything about your real life, I seem to have missed a few chapters as last time I read about your private life you had succumbed to the ‘light’ and were taking tentative steps towards being one half of a whole … or should I say one fraction of the piece. Or am I missing the point here and it’s the light you are running from … the settled ideal falling out of your view?

    Do you truly think we obey? Rules are more often than not broken, are the rules we follow really ones of society or our own moral guidance? Its been a long time since I set myself any standards, its been a long time since I followed the calling of my own conscience so maybe my views are warped.

    I missed your words … I miss your thoughts, I miss knowing that somewhere someone is walking a path not so distant from my own.

  4. Your writing has a way of drawing people in, I think. Your words certainly captured my attention…I enjoyed reading this post.

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