The Dilema

I have not been devoting much time of late to either this blog or my usual haunts, things have become a little complicated and I am struggling for time.

After months and months of unemployment, I finally landed a job and with a little nervous hesitation 4 weeks ago stepped back into the land of work. I understand now why I was always a close second at interviews, never quite the first choice, quite simply I had lost my edge. Months and months of unemployment the fall of my bar and move from previous place of work, like constant rain had eroded my confidence, I had lost all ability to believe in me, and endless days of filling out job application, searching job boards, in a desperate vain for work, had quite literally destroyed me, though I could talk the talk at interviews, I couldn’t walk the walk.

At the time you don’t really notice these things, all desire is driven towards the task in hand, and that’s getting a job, any job! Seeking some purpose in one’s life. Even words failed and reading back now some of my work both personal and in the journals I write for, I can clearly see a fall away from character, a distinct divide, the essence was there, but the spirit somehow lacking, most probably because during most of that time the spirit, quite literally lay in a glass beside me! I digress……

The new job entails more and that sudden rush back into the world of work has given me focus to emerse myself in work, 9 – 5 becomes, 8 – 10 and on it goes. Along side this my granddad has become quite ill, just before christmas he had a bout of pneumonia that landed him in hospital for several weeks, followed then by a stroke and then another, at the end of January he gave up and quite literally let his being drift away. After consultation with the Dr’s and medical staff  he was given about two weeks to live and it was decided that he should come home to die.

Early February just after the snow had lifted he arrived home, a frail strange body that hardly even looked like the man I once knew. Since I was not working at this point and he required 24 hour care, something that my Grandma alone could not offer, I agreed to come and stay, sit up with him through the nights. Suddenly I found myself back in the place I began, and the one place I have spent my whole adult life running from, so I am back in my “home town”

It’s now early April its 2.36am and my granddad sleeps, coming home has brought him from strength to strength. He started eating and drinking thus building strength, the whole right side of his body is paralysed and there is little he can do for himself, though he trys. Slight movement has returned to his right leg, and although he has lost the power of speech he seems to be making some progress. He looks like my granddad once again, and not that stranger I saw in the hospital.

I am still trying to do my bit for him, Friday nights I come home from work and stay with him through the night, sleeping saturday day and once again Saturday night I stay with him, sleeping Sunday day, preparing for work on Monday, it’s not much I know, but its all I can offer at the moment. Time where once there was so much, now slips through my fingers like tiny grains of sand, I simply do not stop.

Last week I took a call regarding another job I applied for, they too have offered me the job. Months and months with out work I now find myself stuck with some rather difficult choices to make. Longer term the second job is more me, more my background and more of a longer term move. However despite my initial reservations about the first job I am actually enjoying it and the earning potential is unlimited to a point. The second job will in time offer the same earning potential but will involve a lot of hard work for the first year to year and a half. The second job also comes with all the usual perks, car, phone, laptop, etc etc etc. The first does not!  The first job is local and is simply in the office, the second though on paper is a 9-5 in reality will involve travelling up and down the UK and wont be the kind of job I can just switch of from, will in effect be a life style not a job!

Mistakes I made in the past play on my mind, I ended up unemployed and loosing almost everything by making a wrong choice, to leave my full-time well paid job to focus on the pub just as the market sank, and now I don’t want to make the wrong move once more. In a nutshell if I stay put short-term I can earn some good money, though longer term I will become bored with job 1, where as job 2 offers less short-term gain and a longer term move. Though to be honest after so long unemployed I could really use the cash boost job 1 offers!

I really don’t know what to do for the best…………?

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~ by Duma Key on April 4, 2010.

11 Responses to “The Dilema”

  1. Dear dumakey:

    My name is Leora Trub and I am a student in the Clinical Psychology Ph.D. Program at The Graduate Center of the City University of New York (CUNY). I am conducting a study of the reasons that people blog and what benefits it brings, which at this point are still largely unexplored in research studies. I am therefore reaching out to you as a blogger who can help deepen our understanding of this phenomenon. I believe that your voice is an important one to be heard and hope you will enjoy participating in the study. I have developed an online questionnaire that asks about specific aspects of blogging as well as asking about feelings about yourself and others in your life. The survey is a mix of numerical scales and opportunities to reflect in an open-ended format about the role of blogging in your life, and how it has changed over time.

    You are eligible to participate if you are at least 21 years of age and have been maintaining an English-language personal blog for at least six months that you update or visit at least twice a week (on average). Your participation involves completing a confidential online questionnaire. The data will be downloaded onto a secure server to which only I have access. No identifying information, such as your names or address, will be collected. If you desire, you may choose not to share your blog name, in which case I will not access your blog for any reason after this point. If you do share your blog name, it will NOT be connected to your responses in the survey. Additionally, you will be given the opportunity to be identified by a code name in research reports and to have your blog description changed slightly so it cannot be identified.

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    Leora Trub, M.A.

    Doctoral student in Clinical Psychology
    Graduate School of the City University of New York
    365 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY 10016-4309
    ltrub@gc.cuny.edu

  2. I kind of understand what you mean about losing your confidence, when I first arrived back in the UK I was actually quite scared about getting out there and finding a job, a ‘real’ job after my years of being an out-of-work-actress (ok ok waitress …) I found that the jobs I was applying for – jobs of the same calibre that I had left three years before – were no longer open to me, that and the recession made it a painful process. I ended up working in a launderette Dot Cotton esq for about four weeks and I felt as low as low could be, standing there asking myself is this really all I am worth? I got offered something else and took it, still not fantastic but by working there I have regained confidence in my ability to do a job and do it well, projects way out of my scope are already coming my way and not being one of those people who shy from extra work I know now that a promotion, I am sure, is imminent. I hate to use the word desperation, as I find it an uncomfortable word, but that is exactly what we were two desperate people, desperate for a break of some kind and sadly, other people can both read and be negative towards people with an air of desperation. I am glad that you have found your way out of the wilderness, we seem to cross paths a lot so I am happy now to be waving to you as were start to cross the rocky roads and woods that leads us out of the wilderness and back to where the living congregate.

    I have another question if I may, about the choice you have to make here, and that’s about stability, this time of uncertainty in our world has, I think, brought it home to us that those in pretty stable careers are very lucky. Also, while having the extra money immediately is always an extra bonus, can you see yourself feeling the same a year down the road? Will it not be harder then to leave for pastures new when the money has become a constant?

    • Lou-Lou….I have missed your pressance here, when ever I see you, when ever I read your words..I find myself looking in a mirror, you echo my thoughts and my feelings, my world and my life.
      The job in the launderette took some courage, and shows your character well, I was actually looking at packing chickens, a first class honours degree, a masters degree and serveral published works to my name…and yes I was looking at packing chickens…but it was a job…and I so needed a job.
      I am sure that you will grow from strength to strengh in your new job, you see the world as it is round the lines other people choose to see….but do one thing, not for anyone else but you…keep writing…keep blogging…ok I am being selfish now…I like reading your blog…! But write…the talent you hold is amazining…you draw emotion with each stroke of your pen, breath life into every word you write! Put some stuff together….send it of….!! You are good!
      For your question….I jumped to job 2 today….went in to job one and said I was leaving…and job 1…put more cash on the table….for the first time in my life….I am going to put me first and take the money!!! I guess long term this isnt the right move…but I just had this feeling…this burning feeling that the move was wrong…it makes no sense to me….just a feeling…and I have gone with my feeling! At the end of the day…money is there….and well other jobs will be out there when I choose to move!

  3. We’re getting ready to head into another shift. This is a very particular shift. It will be highlighting areas of business, employment and finance, with a particular focus of bringing in “working solutions” to issues in our lives in these areas that are still unresolved. By May 11, we will be aware of our “working solutions” and will be acting on them.

    Generational events have NOT YET transpired…there are more World events to come. Where would you feel the most stable and secure, if the World starts really rocking and a rolling?

    • You always give me another edge…I have not been as active on your blog as I would have liked, so much spinning around!
      You certainly provide some stability, a view outside the edges…that inspires my mind!

  4. Still struggling with unemployment here. I think it really does remove our edge over time. It has mine. It has also caused me to process things differently than I used to. A new process altogether. I bet it has for you also – I bet it will help you reach a decision you will be content with.

    • Yes its hard Jaymie…hit me really hard…went through a point where I was out of control, waves of depression and desparation and my own stuburness not to go to claim benefits. Having worked all of my life, payed my way through uni by working and creating a pretty good life…to loose it all in a flash! I appreciate money a little more now, and also the security of a job which is why the decsion is so hard…I cant go back to ever being unemployed again!!!!! The endless days of application after application I spent all day every day searching the net for jobs, and filling out applications….jumping through hoops for interviews even dropped my sallery expectaions down to 20K per year…just because I needed work. It destroys you, your confidence and your ability to think beyond the situation you are in, and yes it does make you process things differently…from never really worrying about money…to nothing! People chasing for money that I just didnt have…lol just reminded me of a day some guy turned up at my door….in my wild time…..I was like…ergh they will have to send someone bigger than you….! Never seen anyone run so fast, poor guy looked like a ghost….! That return to work is hard…but actually doing something with other real people…boosts you back up there.
      I really hope you find work soon, will be thinking of you and wishing you luck and having been where you are now, in a way still there, if you ever feel the need to talk…rant…rave…lol just send me an e-mail! Its hard for people not there to really understand it!
      I guess now I am working and earning money, I am more aware of money…thinking everytime I use my card, or draw cash…in a way I never did before.
      Keep plodding on, keep in there and throw as many applications in the mix as you can a percentage has to stick!

      • Wanted to let you know that I am finally returning to the land of the gainfully employed. The adventure continues!

  5. Every one of “you” should be giving yourselves gold stars! I’ve had a situation on my hands for over a year now. A friend moved here ‘temporarily’ when she became laid off and has just been looking for a job over the last 2 weeks. Get that? She BEGAN looking for work 2 weeks ago…

    I thank you, Dearest. Without you speaking up, I would have no idea what I have within me, that could possibly be of use. It’s people like YOU, who aren’t AFRAID of looking within and trying to heal our issues, that are the HOPE of our World.

  6. I have seen so many struggle…so many in my family…so many around me…watched friends move hundreds of miles just so they could work again…these are difficult times and hard on the spirit…I hug you and all of those above for not withering away…even though at times I am sure you felt like it..it makes me admire each of you…and am so glad you crossed my path…

    As for the decision making…only you will be truly able to answer…what will work for you….what will provide for you over time…what you need….you know I always think of you…your family…am always around if you ever need…smiles

  7. Hey, Duma. I sent you an e-mail. I don’t know if you ever got it, but hopefully so!

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