Granddad

Creeping with the mists of time, comes death with bated breath and eager eye, lingering now upon the corner, leaning here or there, layed back upon the sofa, he has a soul to collect and time on his hands.

That summer, now so long ago, still fresh with in my mind, that you and I spent together, cutting lawns, and that hedge that ran for miles and miles. A-Levels, over waiting for university to start to escape this place that was my life, you had broken your arm, fighting with some local kids, abusing the neighbour hood, abusing you, never one to be messed with, even in later years, armed with baseball bat, to combat went…. “I may have bust my wrist……” you said, “but I broken his arm”….. How I wish you could pick up that baseball bat now, how I wish you could fight once more.

Instead laying lost, trapped in a body that’s given up, laying in a bed, unable to speak. The pneumonia wasnt enough, always a tough nut, a lovable rouge with a heart of gold for all that’s pure and right, if often a little too opinionated! Even the first stoke couldn’t knock you down, day by day your strength cam back, with the promise of a move to closer grounds, but then the twisted knife of fate struck once more and washed you over with a second stroke, that knocked you down, and stole your words, your movement to.

I came to see you in the hospital and found a stranger in your place, a frail old man, lost inside himself, you knew I was there, but I couldn’t stay it hurt too much. I came other times while you slept, and whilst you were awake, I know you knew I was there, I wonder now if you remember that summer from long ago, that through all the years and miles of my own life, has stayed with me, only happy memory’s from childhoods dream I carry. That time we spent together, when all around me was bad, a constant in a world of unknowns.

True to the end you know your own mind, it baffled the nurses how your feeding tubes kept coming out, how the drip kept coming from your arm, but you had made up your mind, time to go, always the fighter right to the end. Family fights once more around the bed, everyone forgets about you, laying there on the edge of tomorrow, but at last we got you home to wait for death to call.

The tears that fell from your eyes, when at last you came home, tears of happiness, your body may have given up but I know you are still there. The nights now I sit with you and wait for daylights call, I know its uncomfortable for you, as I changing soiled pads, feed you, offer you drinks, but I know that through these last days or weeks your home, where you want to be and you know we care.

I wish that you could speak once more, just a few words…. for years we wanted to shut you up…. and now all we want is for you to speak once more, tell us your thoughts.

Thank you for that time, that summer many moons ago, for being the solid, in a unsoilid world.

For me, I am back where I began all those years ago, back in the place I have spent a life time running from and somehow never managed to escape. May be facing ghosts that should have laid to rest, may be chasing a dream of a reality far beyond my grasp, seeking understanding.

I have just been offered a new job, at long last! The possibility also falls now for another one Monday, may be now as your light dims and sleep begins to fall, the wheels will change and the cogs will move. May your last days be filled with the light you have given so freely all your life, and when that final sleep falls, it come with peace and light.

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~ by Duma Key on February 26, 2010.

11 Responses to “Granddad”

  1. watching those we love….slowly leave us…tears our hearts…how do we even find the strength to endure it…how do we move on when it is over…you shared the way right there…those memories…that light he brought your life…it always remains…and now I understand your absense here and I am sorry you and yours are going through this hard time right now…I will keep all of you in my heart and prayers…may you find strength during this time…

    And as his door closees…it seems your door of finding employment is opening…may you find happiness there..am thinking of you ….hugs ya very tightly….you ever need anything….even just talk…you holler ok?

  2. This is a sad reality of life..watching and knowing thers nothing we can do, for all our strength, capability, we sit mute facing death.

    There is hope too, in the time we had with them, in the cherishing and holding what we know is True.

    May the path you take lead you to your happiness.

  3. The 1st stroke took out my speech center. The 2nd knocked out my vision and balance and coordination. I couldn’t see, walk or stand. My left side no longer obeyed my mind.

    I was the one that experienced the strokes physically, but my whole family had to go through it with me mentally and emotionally.

    “I’m not used to being useless” the supermom in me cried.

    “Don’t worry about it; you’ll get used to it with practice” my husband replied.

    And in that moment, ancient wounds were healed. I would not be abandoned.

    Seems to me you have given your Granddad the same gift of awareness, even tho he may not be able to speak it.

    It was the experience of the strokes themselves, that expanded my awareness to the uh…er…um…Greater Realities. And it’s this awareness that I have been writing about and attempting to share ever since. From the time I wake up until I go to sleep at night, every moment of my day is spent with a very real knowing of Eternity.

    Might your Granddad also be experiencing such a knowing? And unable to communicate it to you?

    For Eternity is made of up moments. Memories of experiences just as you have described. That’s what Eternity Is.

    An Infinite number of Everlasting moments.

    When we “die”, we take all of ours with us.

  4. Memories that both of you can take along with you on your next big adventure.

  5. This is a sad thing.

    Something very sad from the one of the live versions of Stairway
    that has always struck me is when Plant stops and says,” does anybody remember laughter?”
    I hope that you can remember it and that it comes to you.

    “for being the solid, in a unsoilid world.” -that is a very high compliment and much deserved I am sure.

  6. I don’t know if this is about a grandparent or not, but I am very close to my grandfather – – and it just reminds me of him, and made me tear up. It was a beautiful post. I hope all turns out well, and that their final days are peaceful. In my thoughts.

    • Yes this is about my Granddad, he is dieing, day by day. Back in October he got pneumonia, recovered came home and a few days later had a stroke, once more started to recover the early Jauary he had a second stroke thats left him lost. His power of speach has gone, the whole right side of his body is at rest. Still though he is there, I see the light in his eyes, he pulled the feeding tubes out several times at the hospital and refused the drip, he decided his time has come.
      He is home now, at first we thought to slip away in peace, however day by day he seems to be getting stronger, I sit with him through out the night, he needs 24 hour care, I change him, bring him drinks and food and try to ensure he is as comfortable as possible, and he rests.
      At first he came home to die, now well I am not so sure…….

      • Well, I think it’s wonderful that you are there for him. There are a lot of people who are not so kind, even to family. Either way, all the love your way and your family.

  7. Just stopping by again to leave my thoughts w/ you…he is getting stronger? hugs you and hopes you find all the strength you need during this time…

  8. Hello. I’m sorry to hear you are going through this with your Grandfather…. He sounds like quite the man, and I’m sure he would be so proud and honored if he were to read this. I hope, you do talk to him about your memories… and how much he means to you… even if he’s not responding… I know he can hear you… and I know he would be smiling in his heart… even if they are bittersweet smiles.

    I went through this with my own father, not so long ago.. 8 years last month… but, feels like yesterday some days. He was my “solid, in a unsoilid world” too. He lived with me for years… and, I took care of him his last months in my home… which had become his home as well. I was pregnant with my 2nd son at the time… Visiting nurse coming and going… a little help from my brothers and friends… but, never enough.

    So, I know how hard it is… and the only thing harder than watching him slowly drift away… was letting him go. Of course, we never really let go of those we love… I think about him every day… and I try to think of happy memories.. not the way his life ended… because, I know that is what he would want.

    Your grandfather is lucky to have you… as you are to have had him in your life. The wheel goes round…

  9. I had been wondering about you…..hoping you were ok. But I know what its like when you wish you could even escape your own thoughts.
    I am sorry about your Grandad, there is nothing that can describe how it feels when someone so constant, such a giant strong presence through our lives suddenly dims and flickers. I’m sure he shares your memories plus a million more that he will take with him, if it is his time. A solid in an unsolid world….I like that. Hold onto that. xxx

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