Beyond Repair

Its been a while since last I was able to post here, the words they came, they floated through my head, my mind and soul, yet refused to pour out upon the page, refused to take form and shape, and I lost my voice. I fell from afar, lost in the wilderness, out in the cold, I lost that very part of me that knows the way.

The last weeks have been the longest and the hardest that I have ever had to face, I found myself falling deeper and deeper into a pit the depths of which I have never before seen, I have been in some black places in the past, but this, well this made even them seem like a stroll in the park on a warm sunny day.

In all honesty I think in a way I was loosing my mind, looking back now its like seeing another person, watching a play unfold on a stage, that person siting there with gun and knife, no food and empty thoughts, hours and hours on end, twisting the thought to twist the world, to twist it further still, till black fell to white and white fell to black and the whole mess just got so twisted that in its own way it actually started making sence. Black became white, white became black and the colour faded as the dampness set in, even my good friend sweet lady depression with her blood red lips and ice cold bite, took heed and packed up her things, and fled for the door.

All that I have built over the years around me, to cage the beast that lay with in, came crashing down with one foul swoop, the walls and the shadows, the sun and the moon, I found myself unleashed wild in the wilderness with out care, reason or due course. The act and smile I wear so well departed, I simply no longer cared. Days became nights, nights became days and the world just functioned in darkness.

My thoughts with no real purpose of there own, once so active turned upon the very core of me, ripples falling slowly, silent as night, they turned upon themselves and the whole process of reason or rational fell from the window and sence became nonsense, with nonsense being sence. Endless rains at my window pane, ever falling night, spheres of time twisting and turning their pivitol poles apart. The depths of this place were endless and the darkness much darker than I have ever known, here the very edge of all reason falls apart, devoid here is the place where the land of the living becomes the land of the lost.

Had I gone on wandering in this wilderness, I really can not say where things would have gone, but I am also certain that I would not be here, sitting free, writing this.

Things happened in the shadows in the dead of night, where even the blackness was afraid to go, but on that very brink something brought me back, a point I will return to another day, when the feelings and the fear of that blackness are not quite so gripping. Even now as I write this I can feel the pull of that darkness, the call from the bowls of despair itself, I can feel the fingers of the vines of the lost gripping my neck pulling me back.

My vision has cleared, my thoughts have settled and the waves are tame, I am starting to feel more and more in control. I am in Ireland at present, came this morning and surrounded by perpetual rain! In the strange city of Dublin still searching for me.

On a positive note, I took my CV re-focused myself and sent a cover mail and copy to a key player, I got a call and have a meeting now next friday back in the UK with the regional director, I am holding out that this will be the one that comes through for me, the position is ideal, the company strong and I can bring so much to them. I hold out that at last my luck will change and the storm will finally pass.

Plans fall now for the future, a move again as soon as I can, this time instead of running endless running, I am going back to where I belong and from there will move on, the days of shape shifting be it all I know, must also end here and now and I must once more find my feet, once more find my voice, I know this road will not be easy, I do not know what the future holds, but I am starting to see a future a path laid out, not yet formed but it’s there all the same.

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~ by Duma Key on November 12, 2009.

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