Empty days

Day by day I am losing the will to continue, loosing my way and loosing myself in this tangled up nightmare that has become increasingly more my life, my soul and very being. I am lost in a web that day by day becomes more tight, more gripping, more dark and I really do not know now if it will ever be possible to escape.

When you fall on the outside, being from the outside its even harder to get back on the inside, in a crazy sense the world is doomed. Never have I been so far away from myself than I am at this point in my life, I feel like I have lost all sense of purpose all sense of being, all sence of self.

The depths of some form of depression sweep over me, having worked all my life to find myself out of work and unable to find work, my whole reason for being is eroded. I have to endure the pain of seeking government help, having questions and being probed and prodded, my life stripped out and analysed, just to eat.

All of my life I have worked, one job two jobs even three all in the main to stay afloat, and now I find myself sinking with nothing to show for all those years and having to beg from a system I hate.

Night after night slips now easily into day after day, hours matter not, seconds slip they could be weeks, I lose myself and all direction. I am finding it harder and harder to wake in a morning and when I do that black cloud descends, and grips strangling the very seeds of hope from deep within.

I am failing at interviews as my own self sence of worth fails me, as rejection after rejection eats like acid at my very core, this my friends is a black place, a place I hope you never get to see.

I have a constant hunger yet eat little more than toast as I can not buy more food. My rent is over due two days now and I do not know how I will clear it, prehaps just a matter of time before even the walls slip away.

I try to stay positive to think positive drive and drag myself forward as job after job I apply for, I dont even care what I do any more! I applied for a cleaning job, hell its something to do! But too qualified for this and I would leave as soon as something else comes up, they are probably right but dont they see? I have a need to work!

It’s so complex out there, the whole of society falls apart bit by bit and yet we seem unable to comprehend this, unable to see what is before our eyes! I realised the whole of my life has revolved around work and when the work is gone there is nothing left! I can now wake in a morning and speak to no one, day by day, prehaps my voice is lost.

I have no internet connection in the place I dwell, all had to stop expense I could no longer justify, I have to seek out space in a library to search the web, one hour slots as the world slips by.

My thoughts as my blog make no sense, I am truly lost in the wilderness of me looking at a person I no longer see as me, I loose the very will to live.


~ by Duma Key on October 2, 2009.

4 Responses to “Empty days”

  1. there is always a place full of light. your blog does make a sense. ( its quiet stupid to say that. i think you know that!)
    life is a long marathon. keep running.

  2. As just said, it’s a marathon. Keep going, walk if you can’t run. Crawl even, but go forward. I so have been here; it is the Wilderness. I feel for you.
    You are still you, all that you are. Survivor, thinker, writer, hard worker. Don’t get beat down, don’t start believing your lack of “success”.

  3. I can’t imagine how hard it would be, but have you thought about just volunteering somewhere when you have the time? I honestly think it can be so rewarding, and when you don’t have a job you still feel as though you’re doing something meaningful. Even half a day a week could make so much difference. I hope you keep writing too as a way of expressing your thoughts.

  4. Mspennylanes’s suggestion of volunteering is excellent, Duma! Volunteering will give you back a sense of self, and oftimes opens up windows of opportunities you would not have been aware of – it did for me! Hang in there friend! Take one day at a time. My prayers are with you, as always. C.

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