Another passing day…more thoughts….

Another day slips past, another interview this time stepping back to bar work, and I doubt it went that well of course they want to know why from here to bar work, and see me only temporary, I was hoping this one would pull through just for cash at least to tide things over.

I am deeply worried now as the end of the month both my phone bill is due and rent, though I have cut back on everything I still will not make the money up and I had to borrow more from the little I have to pay the bus fare for this interview.

I am scourging round like mad searching desperately for anything, data entry, bar work, cleaning I dont care I just need to work. At least if I can get something I can use this to search for longer prospects and decide from there.

Its so desperately hard to hold on, I never was loaded but always had money in the bank and could do things I wanted, to a reason, now I have nothing after working all these years, this in itself does not bother me, if I got work I could once more with determination and drive drag me back up again, its the fact that no matter how hard I try I dont seem to be getting anywhere and day by day the hole gets deeper.

Waves of depression wash over me and then despair, I dont know how to cope or what to do from here. Daily now I walk down to the library and search the jobs sites, trawl through e-mails and search and search for work, yet nothing comes and I despair alone and lost.

I have always felt locked out of life, often like I am waiting for it to begin, always waiting for something that never comes, now I found a new kind of locked out where alone I wander in the wilderness the world alight around and all that meets my eyes is darkness.

I have this urge to run, to set myself free, but run where and how? One thing for sure I know that once my path way turns around, if I manage to drag my way through this, I will depart this dreadful country, and its systems and ways, gawd life would be so much easier if I could slip away to some remote tribe and live free with nature, instead of trapped by this concrete jungle thats grown so fat upon the fruits of fruitlessness that it fails to see its self. Break free the grip of so called modern living with its pointless over complex and downright naive views, that feeds the rich and starves the poor, would much rather throw away than give away, and slip away to simple life where by the quality there in lies with in the blessing of the day.

I guess it is not till you find yourself in the outside, in a mess that you really start to see this place for what it is and how crazy it all is, I have always known its crazy but never saw just how far it went! It is madness that has become so complicated that the very reason we are here has become lost, forgotten, left in pieces on the cutting room floor.

Religion fights religion, person fights person, company fights consumer, I can not help but being reminded of vultures tearing away the very heart of life itself, and all the time more rules to patch up the holes to tighten the grip to patch up more holes to make more rules, its like society no longer exists in reality but just in some giant journal that fills itself more and more each passing second, will the rules ever end or will we simply run out of words?

I need a job…..!!!!!

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~ by Duma Key on September 18, 2009.

4 Responses to “Another passing day…more thoughts….”

  1. do you think, in your interviews you are putting across your unhappiness & thus loosing the job opportunity(?)
    i hope you can find something soon & cheer up
    it’s hard to read your sad entries friend x

  2. I’m terribly sorry to hear things are going so rough for you right now. Life is hard for me at the moment, but not nearly as harsh as yours sounds. The only thing I can tell you is that it kills me to know you are so upset and feel so lost and hopeless even though you posess a talent as amazing and unique as the one you have been blessed with. I know I haven’t left too many comments during my tenure at wordpress, but I just felt like you weren’t ever too interested in my writing and would rather be left alone, but HONESTLY, you are one of the most talented writers I’ve ever came across and I look up to you tremendously. The way you put emotions, thoughts, and feelings into words is remarkable and unprecidented, yet it seems to come so effortlessly to you. I mean every word of this so I hope knowing someone admires your talent this much helps boost your self esteem… Take care.

  3. More people than I have ever seen are right now searching for work and not finding it. More people than I have ever seen are losing their homes, leaving their homes, leaving, leaving, leaving. I mean people who have been “successful” for decades, losing all they have. That’s pretty depressing news, but I want you to know you’re not alone, and it’s not just you or something you haven’t done.
    Tough times. Hang in there.
    –Pearl

  4. In the meantime, you should think about writing – you’re an excellent writer, and I believe you can capture the human spirit with your words. You should write a book!

    Peace, Light and Love, C.

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