Thoughts that pass with in the night

Shadows dance with in the dead of night as time evades there grasp, I am finding myself more and more seeking answers from a god that no longer seems to care.

My search for work seems fruitless and the money is all gone, I can not make ends meet and am slipping further and further inside myself, time outside is painful time I no longer find the need or indeed desire to leave the house, though I must.

I have to wonder now if I am being somehow punished for the mistakes for the past, prehaps some kind of divine intervention that leaves me high and dry. I search through the very depths of my mind to find answers to questions I long since forgot, and desire to be any place but this place now.

darkness comes in bouts, that blocks clear thought and reason, if indeed reason could behold the thought itself and breath forth once more new life there in. For so many years has my mind been active, always something on the boil, stripping with pure reason the thoughts right back to bone, to understand and know, to reason and to question, yet now there is nothing and my mind it yearns for thought, for things to stimulate and demand it and so to now with lack of stimulation it turns upon itself and draws forth blood from deep within.

I seem to be stuck in this rut, I am too qualified for the roles in past I followed and yet under qualified for the next step, so one side passes me over feeling I need more and the other side does not think I am quite there! Catch 22 indeed lives now with in my life full-time and I am trapped with in the rules that define the very rules they set out to protect.

I wonder if I am going insane, my mind it races on and on and rips itself apart, I fill it with books, sweet words from text unknown, it devours with fresh breath and bait and still the hunger lingers on. I find myself more and more locked in this other world with in myself a world that I carve day by day, where sunshine falls and drowns the troubles of  yesterday gone by.

Another annoying fact about been out of work is those people who say we will let you know either way after interview and then never call and you are left dangling like a spider on a web, over and over on and on, do they want me, dont they want me? Always checking the phone, every second just in case you miss that call, just in case they call! and of course the call it never comes.

I call out to a god that I am now sure has long since abandoned ship, departed gone or is off having some holiday some place, after all making this great bodge he made called earth, must have been hard work, its not easy getting something so far wrong this! I call out to help me, guide my pathway back, a chance to give a job, its not hard, but nothing comes interviews come and go, calls never come back and the feed back I get, like one I really wanted is we do not feel we would be doing you justice in offering you the job….!

Something has to give and fast, my heads a mess, my thoughts are lost and all I see is dancing shadows of the pale moonlight.

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~ by Duma Key on September 17, 2009.

One Response to “Thoughts that pass with in the night”

  1. You so eloquently muse on aspects of being unemployed and searching for work that most of us are too afraid to speak of. Feeling depressed, useless, helpless, worthless. Much as we hate to admit it, money makes the world go round in this life of ours, and when people refuse us access to it, we truly feel powerless. Thankyou again for your honesty.

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