The storm returns, as time begins to slow.

So close and yet so far, the storm still rages, with land in sight, the waves they came and crashing down they dragged me out to sea once more, already water logged and broken on the rocks, this time I know not how I will survive. When all was going well, yesterday the call it came, apparently a close call that took the weekend to deliberate upon, on this occasion I am unsuccessful, although in twelve months time, they would like me to reapply!

As the reasoning ran on, the ground dropped once more from my feet, his telephone mannor was poor to say the least, bad new punctuated with Arghhhh…….Erghhhhhhh, is not the most appealing, I could feel the world slipping beneath my feet, the very ground I stood upon fell short and the will to continue just left.

Jumping through hoops, trekking here and there, over three weeks of agonising pain, to be beaten to the finishing line at the very last second, I can not help feeling a little bitter. I struggled last night to pull my head around the fact this chance was gone, and so too is all hope.

Today all I have done is sleep and stress, I really now do not know what to do, my mind is haunted by thoughts of escape and pleasantly I no longer feel the need to run from this, almost embracing, looking now for the best way forwards, the best way out.

Slipping back into darkness grip, there is no way I can survive in this world, this crazy society any longer, I am quite literally at the end of the road, and sinking fast, I have no money, no means to attain any, and no way forwards. My car needs MOT, Tax and insurance at the end of the month, the bank is yanking away any money I have in excessive charges that I have no way of pulling my way out of, so month by month things get worse, My Credit card bill sits unpaid as I simply can not pay it, gas and electric, council tax, food…..there is just no money to cover these things I once took for granted as paid. I cant even get a basic job as the money I earn will be gone before bills are paid, and day by day things get worse.

How do I survive? I am simply alone and lost, the decks are swamped with water the hull is broken and so close to land I have been once more dragged back out to sea with no way out, its impossible for me to survive this storm, to ride the tides and land myself back on the ground.

Searching round and round in my mind no answer can I find, but one, the one that whispers in my mind, echos through my brain haunts me in the dead of night, my time is coming fast and a freedom engulfs me now, regret at the life I never had, the way things could have been, the struggle through a nightmare childhood that grips through to adult years, the mess and destruction left in my wake, and the resounding echo, that from nothing I came and to nothing I shall return.

Its seems all along that they were right and despite my trying, I have failed and failed miserably.


~ by Duma Key on July 8, 2009.

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