Change in words unknown

Can I cast this shadow off and walk away? Can I turn around the things that fail and make them right? Can I justify me, when I don’t know who I am?

Day by day I am finding it harder to hold on, my mind has become messy and so to has the world around me, I am finding myself avoiding reality, avoiding people and filling this void with more and more worry, more and more despair, I am lost in the jungle that is me.

I don’t know exactly how I got here, or where in fact here is, I am questioning myself, my very being, sometimes I am angry at the world, at my life, at all the unfairness, I have to battle through every day, and at simply not knowing who or what I am. I have always been a shadow, a passing ghost of what could have been, from that unhappy child who tried in vain to be more than the nothing its life gave to it, more than the empty space that occupied that house where parents dwelt and fights broke out, more than the black eye or broken bone, but when you don’t feel that you belong, when you don’t feel you have the right to breath, that you are stealing precious moments from another world.

Often through life I have felt like a passenger on a bus, simply looking through the shadows at a world that passes by, this is not my ride and my destination is unknown, still on and on I sit and stare, wanting to feel the Sunshine, wanting to step of that bus and get into living. Day by day I tell myself in my own secret world of me, that one day soon, but day by day passes and that bus ride carries on and on.

If my life were a novel, it would simply be random words on a sheet, mixed up, confused, with no rhythm, rhyme or reason, just words that lack definition, a random mess of nothing. For a story to take shape it needs definition, it needs direction, clarity of thought, it needs an author from the start, someone who fosters and feeds the idea’s allowing them to grow with freedom and guidance, so the story unfolds and the words take shape and the novel is written.

I don’t know if I am afraid of who I am, or even if I know who I am, for years I hung on to the things I could do, the lessons from the darkness that was my childhood, I could fight, cause pain. To escape the nightmare of home life, I would slid inside myself and create my own world, where the violence ended and the tears were not shed, where the house was nice and the children played and love prevailed. I would prey to a God who never answered, or if he did I never really understood, and I would wonder why all this has to happen to me.

I don’t carry with me many happy memories, and normally behind me I leave a mess as I step from one character to another, always seeking definition, always seeking something, though through the years the vines have become tangled and the jungle over grown and I have lost what I set out to seek.

I have moved from place to place, built an empire and watched it all fall down, for you can not build a house with out foundations, you can not build a life upon the sand, and on and on the circle spins, the pattern repeats as the years drift on. I have tried to give the jumble of words upon the page meaning and character, not so much by themselves but by giving them what I see that others have, I have made characters of myself, but never really found myself, like water I simply fill the vessel in which I sit.

I seem to be plagued by never ending bad luck, its always one thing or another, and when I think the pieces fall into place the jigsaw changes and I see that I am left once more with a pile of pieces upon the floor. When I look into the mirror, what do I see, someone else staring back at me, yet even I do not know where, or who, or what I am.

Still traveling upon that bus, looking out the window as the world passes me by.

I need to take some control, but I don’t know how, I need to reshape me as me, and live for me, yet I have spent all my life trying to run from the broken, unloved, bruised and batted child that sought just the smallest piece of love, just something to hold on to. Through the years of running of hiding from the reality of it all, the mess has got bigger and I find that I amount to exactly what my “parents” said a nothing, a shadow that lives in dreams.

I can not shape the words, I can not find the way, I can not write the novel and alow my own story to grow, for I never learnt the tools, I was never shown the way.

Things have to change of this I am sure, but how I do not know, the direction I do not know, I can not see myself a whole and I can not understand me, instead I fiddle with the pieces, string empty words on empty space and try to find a way, I know the words will make no sense until I find the rhythm of the story, and can bring the shadow forth to live and breath, yet still I feel I have no right to this.

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~ by Duma Key on June 23, 2009.

8 Responses to “Change in words unknown”

  1. In many ways, there was a time I was in the place where you are now. My life is full of – – well, experiences I’d rather not share with people, and sometimes the hard experiences of life seem to push us into paths we don’t want to be in, or we never dreamed to walk. For me, I started to realize and find myself when I started to focus on other people. I know that sounds odd, but it’s true.

    I hope that you work through this difficult time. Truly, I do. If you ever need to vent or talk, don’t hesitate. Sometimes it helps, especially if it’s to a stranger. 🙂

    M.

    • Experianes best left forgotten, my life is full of those. I think I hasve just got myself so lost I am not sure where I am going, or heading anymore.
      Thank you for your comments.

  2. i agree with thelittleredwriter, i do think we have all been here in some form or another
    you can pull through this tough time, you’ve just got to remain positive! ♥

  3. hi, Duma…

    I am sure you will be able to face all this…

    things will change with time…

    HUGS

  4. Thanks smallstar,

  5. You know we get all the answers but only when the time comes. May be this is not the right time that life can give answers. Please, for the time being learn to live with the questions…I have also learnt and now I don’t feel any regrets!
    And about the book, someone is surely there who can make out the meaning and can sing the rhyme that is written there. May be now you can’t understand!! We, as humans, need not understand everything….
    Keep Smiling……And for the time being, just listen to your fav song and sing it loudly….you will feel great!!
    Take care!!

  6. Hey Duma Key, I feel a little angry for your pain, that it was caused, that it is so difficult to be stopped, life is not a novel or a bunch of words, life is much grander, life is everything we want it to be, write the novel or not, that will not determine anything about you! You have got me started now, I will write something on this 😦

    Above all, cheer up, you dont know what you know until you see it seperate from yourself, try just writing and see, you will be amazed!

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