The shadows of yesterday and one long lawn!

I recall someone once saying “a watched kettle never boils”, I am wondering if this is the same for a phone. I am desperately waiting to hear regarding three job applications I have on the go. All three applications are for the same type of role, just different companies, all of which are the direction I want to move in.

The closing date was Wednesday and so far having checked my e-mails several times, I have not received a rejection notification so am desperately holding on to a thread that may be my luck will now change and at least I may get an interview. No matter how many times I check my phone, it still has not rung. These three applications out of all I have applied for are the positions I desperately want.

I still cant shake this blackness, this feeling of wanting to just slip out of life, I guess I am tiered of trying and getting nowhere. The whole thing started some months ago when the world I lived in went completely out of shape, and everything I had built and become just slipped away, while no one cared. It was just a fleeting shadow on my mind, a blip on the horizon, but over the pending days, weeks and months, its grown, it now occupies 90% of my waking thoughts, I am finding myself more and more looking at ways to escape. Whilst driving the other day a sudden urge to place my foot hard down and head straight on despite it all over took me, it was only the pending thought that other innocent people would be hurt, that stemmed that throw.

Its a strange feeling, like standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down, the whole place seems to reach out and draw you in, calling for you to slip down upon the rocks beneath, I have often wondered if this is where death rests, as it seems standing on that cliff edge looking down, his presence is all around.

Russian roulette is not the same with out a gun….I am not sure of the song but that line reaches for me, chases out my mind, I am looking through the eyes of another at a world that has changed, round every corner lies death, the waters beckon, the ripples on the surface call my name, it tiny lapping movements that scream into the very heart and core of all my mind. The world has become a dangerous place.

The funny part is, all these years of acting, all these years of pretending to be a normal, a whole, have played well and when I sit and talk with those around they sense none of the thoughts that pulse through my mind, they do not know the glass of juice they place inside my hand has now become another means for death to come. Death is leaking through my world, dripping blood upon the streets where in I walk, filling foul my mind so much so that vision in its self is polluted with the very stench of sweet deaths breath.

To escape a while yesterday, I gave my self a task, unpaid unfortunatly, to tackle a lawn so over grown and tangled that it mirrored now the insides of my mind. Armed only with a petrol mower, time and thoughts I began to cut and stew the grass like life itself, below I place a picture, this is not the grass I cut but shows the length there in:-

The length there in

The length there in

As I worked away, I lost myself with in the vines of natures arms and wondered how nice it would be to simply slip out of this madness we call life and return to the pastures of old, to the land of simpleness, where nature provides and people don’t starve. All day I immersed myself with in this impossible task, the grass was too long and hostile for the mower, the earth was to uneven, and hostile to me, pushing a  mower up a hill, to reach the top and return down once more, getting no where.

Perhaps it wasn’t the difficulty of the doing that I found of interest, but the difficulty for the doer. Lost out there in a world where time though on it ticked, seemed forgotten pointless. I felt a million miles away from all, in all the pain, in all the struggling somehow I found some small glimmer of happiness, that one silent moment where like the grass that spun from the blades beneath, so to did my problems slip away. The birds sang the sun burnt down and life for just a short while stopped and breathed with in me, death had slipped away.

Several hours later I gazed on in awe at the fruits of my labour…

Not the lawn I cut, but the end result

Not the lawn I cut, but the end result

Today I suffer much, my back and arms ache so much that movement is hard, I pushed harder yesterday than ever I do at the gym. As today sets in and the lawn only yesterday I cut begins slowly to grow, thoughts of sleep eternal sleep return….and the phone….the phone it does not ring.

So off now I pace to check my e-mail for that ultimate rejection, avoiding now the voice of death that dwells deep with in my mind.

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~ by Duma Key on June 4, 2009.

8 Responses to “The shadows of yesterday and one long lawn!”

  1. I hope, from my heart, that you do find work soon. Maybe there is some refuge in the fact that this is such a beautiful post, & you have spent a day spent with nature and words…so you have both given and received today, even if that exchange did not involve salary.

    • Thanx for your comments, I hope too that work comes soon, so many years have I done so much often 2 / 3 jobs, work always flowed and now the stream drys and things fall foul.
      I nice way of looking at things, a day with nature and words, not a slant I saw, but now so clear.

  2. Well thanks for the comment and it meant alot… I consider you one of the most talented writers I’ve came across, but you seemed not interested in my writing when I first joined, so I left you alone… Anyways, getting good feedback from someone as talented as you is a good thing. Thanks again and keep up the good work…

    • Thank you for your kind words, the posative slant is one much lacking in my world at present.
      More lack of time on my part than lack of interest, I find all words and all styles of interest as it all forms part of the great art work of life, each brush stroke, each piece of the puzzle, joins to form one master piece. Your blog and words grow well, I look forwards to reading more……

  3. Keep it up, Duma! Chop wood, carry water, they say. You’re a rockstar. Hang in there, friend.

  4. Duma, I hope that this is only a prelude to wonderful things happening in your life, like getting the job you want for instance. Sometimes, things fall apart. We are pained by the separation from the things we’ve grown accustomed with all our life. But this could just be the turning point into something better. 😉

  5. You are at a turning point. The darkest hour is right before dawn is an old adage, however very true. It is when we are in chaos that our brilliance surfaces to resolve the issues at hand. Listen, be aware and you will be amazed at what you find.
    Although death looks inviting, you are not ready, if you were you have already taken your life. You want to live, you want to go on and go on you will and in the end you will be stronger and wiser for this time.

  6. My replies have been sparse I know, lack of privacy here (and the constant drone of a tv in the background makes it hard for me to gather my thoughts long enough to reply) silence is a long lost brother to me at the moment that I am missing more with each passing day.

    I can emphasise with this post on many levels, I too, am jobless and the search seems fruitless, so much so that I am 99% sure I have to head home. We have to hang in there, in that lonely life we have led, there has been too much fighting, so much so that it is only natural that we are going to come to a time when we just lose our way, lose our motivation. I am sending you all the luck in the world that a door opens for you soon, one less worry off your mind. Financial difficulties tangle amidst too many other difficulties and its not fair, its truly not fair.

    I mostly emphasise with this because of the call of nature, I have always felt alive, free, felt like I belonged completely when I go back to basics, when I sit by the sea, or walk amongst the fields. Such a simple place, such a simple life.

    If all else fails, maybe we can go find an ashram in India to wile away months of our life. Its appealing to me more than anything right now.

    Good luck, I hope the sun shines soon!

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