More rejection….no more time.

The sun shines, yet rain pours on and on. My e-mail, two more rejections, not even interview, just out and out rejections. I have revamped my CV, I have answered the questions and still like the rain that bears down inside me, the rejections pour down. I know not what to do as I hang on now by a thread, a small thread of sanity.

Day by the day the will to slip away grows, pounds away inside my head and I am left to ponder the justification in life, I am well and truly trapped and know no escape but eternal sleep. Perhaps I am doing this wrong I mean in the darkness money flowed, there were ways and means to everything, yet now I stand try to clear out the past, and still the shadows grip and rip and pull me back.

MP’s can steal and fiddle, and that all seems fine, messing with the rules of the words they wrote, to govern the people and fill full blown there own pockets, so why is it wrong for me to go back, to bend the rules? to hurt to gain. May be its some part of me that has changed some where, some how along the way, where once I would have had no thought of the damage, now the edge has gone.

I want to hunt I want to fight, the blade has become blunt and the will and inclination to sharpen it falls foul, and so once more I am left in limbo neither here or there.

Echo’s of childhood dreams resurface, and perhaps that message years ago from those that were my “parents” was correct, perhaps they saw that all that I would amount to would be nothing but a pile of words and empty dreams. The irony of it all is that I have spent the whole of my adult life running and am no further from that broken child, that lay lost and alone, in a house that was never a home.

Then there is the light that is her, perhaps the closet I have ever come to holding a real relationship, but with current worry I can not embrace her as once I did, I pull myself away and perhaps too it is time to let her go, I am better on my own, and she is better with out me, this I think is another side to this “love” the normals hold, how ironic once more that, the thing I sought should also be the one thing I now have to walk away from, and the one thing that will sting in the dead of light.

I walked with in the valley of the darkness that is me, I sought a light and embraced its majesty, its glory, and for a while, I forgot the nothing that I am, in my haste to learn, I lost the core value of all, I lost sight of the fact that creatures life myself, shadows of the night, unwanted forgotten children of yesterday, do not belong in this world. Now I am left once more with nothing, with the realisation that the miles I thought I ran, the years and the distance are nothing, nothing but flakes of sand with in my mind and whilst I thought I had edged ever closer to the finishing line, in reality I am no further forwards from the start, than I was all those years ago.

I am trapped by a system I can not exist in, that drains what ever now I do and makes it impossible for me to breath, I crushed by the walls of darkness that I tried to escape from and lost in the light of yesterday mixed with the darkness of the shadows of the dreams of the forgotten.

The doors are all now closed and its time to end this dance with light, for her light to shine free elsewhere, and the world to move on and on, just with out one less blip, one less anomaly with in the fabric of time.

Advertisements

~ by Duma Key on June 2, 2009.

6 Responses to “More rejection….no more time.”

  1. I’m sending you a special hug. Remember, so as a man thinks, he will be. Your thoughts of late reflect a being that doesn’t know he is loved and has little love for self. Rember to love yourself each and every second. Remember, you are loved. Be loved, but most importantly, Be Love.

    Love ya gentle friend. CordieB.

  2. Sometimes the mind clings to and amplifys misfortune.

    The mind is a pain in the ass.

    Let it go.

    Now is your chance.

    It is not as real as it claims to be.

    It is not real at all.

  3. Duma–

    Seriously? It isn’t as bad as it feels. A great bumper sticker reads, “Don’t believe everything you think.”

    If you love her, keep loving her.

    Out of chaos, out of murky depths, the pure lotus grows, strong, resilient.

    Be the change you wish to see in the world, my friend. Eternal slumber is a way out for those who have decided they can’t persevere. Man, we’re all in this together. You are so NOT alone.

    E-mail me at molly@destinationthejourney.com if you want to chat further. I’m serious.

    Peace, Duma.

    Molly

  4. hey Duma, that is very sad 😦 …

  5. Well….can’t say I haven’t felt my own parallel of this. But one thing Duma, it’s a lie that destroys, this one that tells you you are nothing and going nowhere and unworthy of love. A lie that would have you believe and believe it. Call it Satan, call it the lie, call it sickness or sadness or call it whatever you wish, you may choose to tell it to F off. You know, the minute the light gets in, the darkness wants you back. Tell it you are unavailable. You are going to do great things.
    Peace.
    Pearl

  6. (i hate computer issues lol, it’s seems my computer will have to be re-built 😦 ..)
    you painted a dark picture with your words ❤

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: