I am finding myself more and more wondering about my own sanity. The whole of all I once was is slipping now piece by piece, the world is falling down before my very eyes, once familiar streets with in which I walked, now seem flat, unknown and filled with shadows, I know not who or what I am, and day by day I am struggling to hold on.

Once it was all there in front of me, now it is all beyond my grasp. Words once powerful, deceive me, dance and taunt upon the winds of my mind, echos of what once was and what could have been. Rational thought evades me, and patterns play out upon a stage before me. I want to sleep, to hide, to go, to vanish, depart, be here no more.

Tiny cracks with in once solid ground upon which I walked, if I could just slip into one of them, vanish, be gone, slip out of existence, as if I never was. The pointless realisation of pointlessness itself so overwhelms me, that conceivable thought, in itself breaks down to mere a nothingness and once again I am left empty devoid of thought and time.

Light that once was, become refractions of colours, and yet the world still spins and time still ticks. The leaks have sprung from nowhere and as one leak I stop another sprouts, bursting forth and filling once again the whole of what once was.

I am searching hard for answers, a refuge from this storm, I stand before the waters of my minds eye and stare so hard and long, yet now the water refuses to clear, it will not show me the way, the answers are lost, and the world like my mind spins on and on and on and on.

I want to run, to escape, to free myself of this mortal coil, break free of chains that bind me fast. The shadows come now thick and thin, they pace around my mind, my boots are weighed down heavy, to run is a possibility no longer open. Instead I slip deeper into the river of my mind, before the willows bough, the cold chilling waters grip me tight and as one incapable of there own distress I sink, engulfed by waves and drown, with in the very waters of the world in which I made.

The act I play sits well, years of pretending all is fine, when inside I hurt, perhaps one gift my parents left, one useful part of me? But holding on is hard, when I really find that I no longer know the way, when pressure mounts as cash begins to drain so fast, and I wonder how I will eat. Yet the world still goes on and on, and I slip further and further from its grasp, the world seems insane to me, yet I seem to loose my grip on sanity itself with every thought, with every passing second. Am I insane, or is the world insane, how does one judge when the rules keep on changing, when the world keeps on turning and the gears have come loose?

Thoughts of pending death now fill my mind, once a crazy notion a blot upon the landscape of my mind, that now seems full blown, and consumes all, I am loosing the ability to fight this battle now held deep and wonder now if prehapes the time is right to steal myself away.


~ by Duma Key on May 13, 2009.

2 Responses to “Sanity……?”

  1. Hello Dumakey,

    There is no sanity in the comfort and routine of our daydream “lives”.

    Perhaps what you are experiencing is more real than ordinary life. It is hard now but experience is relative and the darkness may be balanced by ecstatic realizations. There is no guarenty but your possibilities of something higher are greatly increased at the moment. Try to connect to that.

  2. “Am I insane, or is the world insane”
    The world is.
    “The act I play sits well, years of pretending all is fine, when inside I hurt”
    When our ability to cope this way get’s broken, it does feel we are going crazy sometimes. Breaking apart, like everything we know and know how to do, is wrong. Empty. At least it was so for me.
    But then we become just ourselves. Not “normal”, not what the world wants. Just ourselves, who we are meant to be.
    Financial insecurity can be brutal, no stranger to me. I wish you luck with that.
    Hang in there. I wish I could help.

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