Lost

A little different from my usual posts, as I am feeling a little different, out of sorts, I guess like a runaway train spinning more and more out of control. Lost in my own private world, and dashing from one place to the next. Time always the enemy.

I joined Twitter the other day (http://twitter.com/Dumakey1) not exactly sure why I did so, or even the relevance of it, but hey something to do. Though it has made me pause a while and look at what I am actually doing. Its amazing how we filter through each day and before we know another day is over, but exactly what have we done?

I am finding that more and more often at the moment, days seem to pass like seconds, gone in the blink of an eye. Time tick, tick, ticking away……………..! I am wondering now exactly what it is I want from life, from me. What is it that I want to do, and I really can not answer that. I am on the verge of loosing everything still I carry on as if nothing is happening. I guess I just got to good at acting.

I really do not know what it is I want to do? There are things I would like to do, but what do I actually want to do? I really do not know…..! So instead I drag myself from day to day, fill my time with the meaningless and unimportant in the vain hope that it will some how become important, somehow fit and fill the void. I guess I am waiting with baited breath for some divine inspiration, some random act of god, a massive lottery win…..! as time ticks on and trickles by. Another wasted day.

Puzzles me this factor of not exactly knowing what it is I want to do, what direction I want to go in, where I want to be. I have always had some kind of direction, normally skipping from one place to the next. Running from something, to more of nothing, running from me. Now even running has no appeal, I want to be like the normals, steady job, steady home, steady life…. but then again I do not. I want to hold on to the light, but know that I can never make her truely happy. She will want children, a family, normality, I can never do this. I could never bring a child forwards in this world for fear of damaging it like my parents damaged me, for fear of the mistakes I could and most likely would make. I simply just do not know what I want to do.

I need to find a job, I don’t want to go back to what I was doing, but the pub is going and going fast, there is nothing now that I can do about this, trade all over is slow, and the operating cost alone here is high. Unless my trade jumps substantially over night, there is no way I can maintain this place I love so much. The first real place I have ever called home. The situation is over complicated by the fact I also now need to find somewhere to live as when the pub is gone so is my accommodation.

I am going to have to trade my soul once more taking a step back. Probably find some office job reliant upon skills of past, where my heart will wander and I will survive once more not live.

Over and over in my mind as ask myself what is it I want to do….. and what answers can I find????? But none.

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~ by Duma Key on March 18, 2009.

3 Responses to “Lost”

  1. Oh, I’ll hook up you on twitter. Seems natural to have a blog and tweet nowadays.

  2. I remember the grief over closing down a business that was your baby many man years ago. An arcade that was a hoppin’ place in the 70’s. The recession hit then too. Sorry, you are going through this! Hope and pray another door will open for you.

  3. I think you are in a rather common place that we all find ourselves from time to time. I suggest you start with addressing your fears. What are your fears and how do you remove the fear from you life. Once you remove yourself from the treadmill of fear you will begin to understand your purpose and find your direction.

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