Snow Falls as time stands still

Its been a while since I last wrote, always wanting, yet some how another day slips by and once more I sleep before I write the words, I really need to make more effort.

So much has happened now, My full time job is gone, onwards I move, to be honest I could not have made a move at such a worse time, trade slows, grinds almost to a stop as the customers refrain from knocking on my doors, the pub is slow. This weekend even my busy day was slack as snow began to fall.

The light has returned to university after  several weeks of being away, just her and I spending time together. The realisation of all of this hit me hard the morning I drove her back, quick sand filled my boots and drew me down, funny how easily I have adapted to having her near, how simply she has fitted in to my life.

Returning now at weekends, part of my mind counts down the hours, the other part holds back,  it seems her happiness becomes more important now than breath itself. These are strange times and I struggle to hold on.

Monday morning we awoke, (Again I wonder now how I, became we)…. the world was white, snow fell dancing in the night, caught up reality and tamed it, if only for a while. The world had changed, beside me she lay, her eyes the very picture of all that is good, mine all that is dark, yet today the world was no longer mine, the darkness was gone and white prevailed. Full of glee, she ran to play in a world that is truly hers, pure light, so soft and white. Calling now the darkness out to play, showing me the way, I can not help but wonder if she really See’s me as who I am, the darkness, the blackness that is me? Still she chides me on, draws me from the shadows out in to light. Out in to a world I dont belong, yet with her some how I do? It seems that edge, that missing bit becomes complete, I am whole, yet how can this be?

I hold back, remain in the shadows in my domain, holding back from white. Still she dances, chides and calls me on and soon I find myself playing in the white, the cold is gone. She makes angels in the snow, her pretty eyes dance caught on light, the beauty and the power of her shines…. this is truly her day, her world, in all of this I realise that I never really learnt how to have fun, how to laugh or play. Suddenly I find myself making snowmen, taking pictures, laughing, really laughing, and I realise that snow is something that holds memory’s, and that day, that time with her, inside her world will stay with me forever. For the first time I actually wanted to hold on to a day, hold on to a time, I wanted to live in that world of white, I see now so much I have missed yet never even knew.

I dont understand this concept the normals have of love, I don’t understand the rules…. yet I know how to fight, I know the code on the street, I know how to make people afraid, I know how to get what I want. But here and now, truth be told, all I want is her, I wake she is on my mind, I sleep she is there, I reach out and its her that I reach for. I never lived for today, or tomorrow, just dealt with second by second, but now….I reach for tomorrow just to hold her one more time.

I try to keep the darkness from her, Hold back me, but some how she prises from my hand the very key and bravely walks in, she stands and See’s what many run from, then takes my hand and leads me away. I have never met anyone like her, nor ever felt like this. I don’t understand… but for the first time ever I am lost in the moment and know with her by my side, through bad or good, which in effect is her and I, somehow, some way we can make it through.

I guess this is what you normals call love, Though I know I should push it away, push her away, return back to the desert that is me, keep her back, let her light shine for someone who is more worthy of it, I am kind of holding on, I want a tomorrow with her, yet don’t know if I am being selfish. I could never stand to hurt her, never stand to look into those eyes and see a pain placed there by me, something I have never done before, its always been about me, living for today.

But as the snow fell from Sky’s above, danced around the light all I wanted to do was join her, hold her, bask and breath in the light and break forth from the darkness…. yet the words don’t come, the land is wrong and I don’t know how….though in the darkness I see her hand, I wish I could reach out and hold it, bask in the snow, the light and leave the chains of yesterday behind. If I was ever going to spend my life with anyone, the time remaining would be hers!


~ by Duma Key on February 5, 2009.

6 Responses to “Snow Falls as time stands still”

  1. So beautiful a testament of love I have never read. Your words old so much I have not the starting point…

    To live in darkness and accept is difficult and yet easy… to embrace and walk away from the comfort of that darkness is truly sacrificial with benefits for you as well as her…

    As for her… there are people out in this crazy world who are more… they are the light, they are the snow… they are the balance… they can make you whole… I have met people like this… there are far too few in this world, but you… Very Lucky you are my friend… to fall in Love with an Angel? This is God in purest form… Blessings

    This essay touched my heart. Thank you

  2. I’m glad to see you back again. There is always so much inner conflict in relationships. Somehow it is easier to be alone, but this is just because it’s comfortable. It’s hard to care so much and worry so much for someone else, but it is also great to have that – and also to feel it from them in return. In bad times I wish I just had me to think of. But you can hide alone or you can brave it together. And like you said, you can make it through 🙂 I agree with enreal above – it is lucky to find something that can make you feel all those things.

  3. ahh hello 🙂
    yes true that, i’ve been living in my current house for 17 months & i only have met 3 households of my neighbours & i live in a court of roughly 11 houses

    love is always never just black & white, there will be times of happiness & times you want to run
    & those that say “we never fight” or “we are always happy” are just in denial lol

  4. Yes, its wonderful to be loving.You have the right to love and no one can snatch it away from not even the one who you love….
    Love is the most beautiful thing on earth and I should add to it, a painful happiness…Is it not?

  5. I cannot tell you how pleased I was to see your name there on my screen this morning, I have often wondered how you are doing and hoping that you are holding up ok.

    I have been thinking a lot lately about the contrasts in people, through my own little experimentation here with this giving feelings a chance malarkey, and one thing I keep touching on is that without darkness there would no light.

    You are two different contrasts, your darkness for you, while sometimes overpowering and lonely, is a shield for her to shine her light, and her light so soft and angelic provides a warmth on your cloak of darkness so that you can see further.

    We are all opposites, we are all different, we are walking paths that are not yet written but sometimes we get lucky and it sounds like you have, and we find someone who not only walks the path with you, but provides a torch in times of bleakness.

    We have followed your journey as you embarked on this completely alien love concept, we (your readers) have listened with baited breathe and more than a little excitement as we hoped so much that you would see what we see, see the person who while living in the darkness can still see the light. You are so much more than you give yourself credit for, knowing the ways of the world, that animal instinct that we gained at such a young age to fight does not make us unnatural or inherently bad, it just makes us different, it just means that we have not yet been ‘tamed’ enough to fit in in normal society, like wild animals we keep our distance, but when our trust is won, we stay loyal. Maybe its our own trust we should be seeking.

    I wish you all the luck in the world … lets stop running and try and keep our feet in one place, both of us!

  6. Love – in the absence of fear will make you realize that even loss – as the snowflake falls from the sky, become the tear in an eye – returns to us eventually – unconditionally

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