What tomorrow holds……!

Its been a while since I posted here, time has been slipping past, sliding before my eyes, each passing hour like seconds with in time, here one minute gone the next. I hardly have time to draw breath and pause.

I am still with in my job, though time now ticks away and the end is near, 4 days and I am done, awaking from this nightmare, I shiver a little at what the future may hold. I have made my choice to leave, to leave the security of my job,  regular monthly pay cheque, higher than average earnings and 10% yearly bonus, to step forth in to the unknown, at a time when the economic climate is harsh and business slows. My friends think I am crazy, in fact part of my mind tells me I am crazy, but I know for myself I had to leave here. I stand on the brink of tomorrow and shiver.

Business slows in the pub as people draw in there money and batten down the hatches to ride out this looming storm. Though trade sustains on Sundays, the week begins to fall short and this worries me.

So much is spinning round at the moment, I am loosing all concept of time as one day merges into another, I feel in many ways that I am loosing control as I struggle to hold on, I am balancing over a future that lays full of uncertainty and letting go of security in the process, some how I should be afraid bet yet it seems I am not.

I guess I am chasing a dream and perhaps for the first time in life trying to grip reality with both hands, may be I am shaking off the chains of yesterday where all the things the “normals” have, which were always beyond my grasp, are now what I want, somehow I am figuring that I have a right to these things too, though it kind of feels like I am trespassing on ground not meant for people like me.

My past is checkered, a history of running from here to there. I never stay in one place to long, people come, people go, I have stepped in and out of life avoiding the complications, the hassles of commitment. When things suited no more I simply pack up and move on, no regret no thought, just slip away. Always running from where I was, from that child so drained and devoid of life.

One thing that I learn as the days slip by is no matter how hard or fast I run, no matter how much distance I place between myself and that place that was my “childhood home” I can never be truly free, I am no further away today from that broken child, that nothing, now than I was all those years ago.

The light floats into my life, somehow despite the walls and barriers I build, despite the need for emotional protection, and my general lack of feeling or emotion, she seems to fit, in many ways like she has always been there. Suddenly the unimportant has become important, suddenly I am no longer living for the day, but living for tomorrow. The things that never mattered to me, matter now. Though I know deep down I should end this, I know inside I am no good for her and that all I will do is pull her down, I just can not seem to let go. I don’t want to see a future with out the light, I don’t want to wake tomorrow with her gone, and perhaps more importantly, of much greater significance inside deep inside of me, in the part that lays dormant forgotten, the true and raw feeling, I never want to hurt her, never want to let her down, never want to see her cry, or know she crys because of me. I guess I have somehow stumbled into this concept you normals call love, and I don’t know what to do.

When I close my eyes, its her I see, when I feel down, or sad no longer I alone, I just long to be in her arms, be beside her and the world feels right. Things have gone to far now for me to turn back.

Chains hold me from past, I know one day the things I fear will reach out and consume all that I now carve, reducing things back to nothing, the space from which I came. I also know that when that time comes its better that alone I stand in the wilderness, alone I face this, so much easier knowing that all I have to worry about is my own silent tears, those tears I will shed behind the closed and locked doors of my world.

I want to hold on to where I am, I want to hold on to all this that now fills my life, but know second by second time slips and soon the past will merge with future and all that once was, all that is to be, will emerge and shatter all that could have been. This is the significance of who I am, from nothing I came and to nothing I will return, I can only now hold on and prey that the light will slip free and I will not draw her in.

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~ by Duma Key on December 17, 2008.

7 Responses to “What tomorrow holds……!”

  1. life slips by way to fast… follow your heart… the rest is bound to follow….

    good to hear from you my friend.

  2. It’s been awhile since I’ve been to your page, but I’m glad I stopped in to see what you’ve been up to. Great writing man! Your writing has always been so detailed, and just grabs your full attention at the start.
    GOOD WORK!!! KEEP IT UP!!!

  3. it’s nice to be finally updated on your life, i had begun to wonder if you had stopped blogging althogether
    goodluck with your uncertain, but exciting so it seems future

    i believe the older i get, the more quickly time passes; maybe it’s like that for you too
    maybe this change in your life will be a major positive & you can look back & smile

  4. Tomorrow holds all your dreams, and you are making them a reality… it takes a great will to walk towards destiny with open arms… blessings on your travels.

  5. I hope you are still out there somewhere with a smile on your face and a belief of good things to come in your heart!

  6. Dumakey–
    I began here wanting to say to you—You deserve this.
    This goodness.
    And while I believe you do, I realize what I want to say more is this:
    It is Grace.
    A gift.

    You did nothing to merit the hardship of your childhood. But you accepted it [what choice?], and survived.
    Accept this as well, this goodness. It was given, merited or unearned, no matter. It is for you. Yours.
    The Light is as Grace; Unconditional Love. You need not fear.

    As always, I delight in your writing.

  7. Hey, no one knows what tomorrow holds…May be a hope…
    Well, everyone at the end shall know what he is for..sure..

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