Changing Facebook Status and I quit my Job…Oppps

Friday afternoon comes to port as time sets sail for the weekends course, once more another week has passed me by, the course of this weeks voyage has changed my journeys destination and once more I find myself in unfamiliar waters. I have quit my job.

I don’t know if I have made the right choice, turning my back on £29 500 a year, monthly commission and yearly bonus, perhaps is not the wisest thing to do given the current economic climate, but all the same I have done so. For so long now I have been running around in circles, somehow I bought into the “dream” with out even realising.

New pastures await, and I sit upon the brink afraid that perhaps I leave myself far to exposed and run the risk of falling flat on my face, with no one left to blame but me. Though I also no that if I do not do this another 10 / 20 years of this await, and a future of bitter regret, where the “if only” flowers perpetually.

I have never really wanted to be a part of this social system, perhaps that’s because the very system that was supposed to protect me, actually rejected me and left me on the outside, floating in and out like a phantom, with no real home or place to belong. I cant really understand this mindless need for greed, this over powering desire of people to destroy another, the unnecessary hurt or suffering and this vile drive so the rich grow fat stuffing there belly’s on the food of the poor.

The power hungry governments, that seize every opportunity to feather there own inglenooks, regardless of the peoples needs, governments that serve the people, but in reality only serve themselves, now grown full blown with self conceit they have lost the true and vital ethic of freedom and choice. One only has to look around in the UK to see this, anti-terror laws devised by people so far deluded from the reality of life that they loose touch. A system now no longer based on freedom, but control and greed, where the people are the tools of the rich. This land of freedom and opportunity is nothing more than a myth, so full of rules that the rules themselves give little more than empty words and promises of a tomorrow that will never come.

So here I am, The light of her that enters my life has awakened in me a real need to live, for the first time in my life I feel alive and have a will to live, I am waking from a dream and breath. For the first time I am searching now for a reality in which I want to live, pulling together all the dimensions of the many worlds and many lives I have lived, in a bid to find the portal back to life.

I have never really had a place that I call home, never really thought about any place as a permanent base, always just a stepping stone between differing phases of my life. My childhood home was simply a place I existed in, a place where I spent most of my early years trying to avoid, this idea of “home” instills in my mind many unhappy memory’s even in adult years a great and over powering sense of fear, and so I have run from place to place.

Laying close to the light, in the dead of night, her in my arms, her head upon my chest, I have never felt so at ease, so at rest. As an image I am often conscious about the way I look, years of being told you are nothing, where every slight fault is picked up on, your heads too round, you look like a football, eats away at the core of you sets in a rot that stays through out all of your life, often its not the physical that does the most damage, a broken bone heals, its the silent unseen mental torment, of those cutting words, when the Little voice inside your head starts to question your very being, and the fabric of you slowly unravels, its these things that ooze over from childhood to adult hood and stay with you as a constant reminder from where you came, that do the most damage, little jolts of electricity sent from the pulse of the past. When the world is at bay and the light is in my arms, when we are safely away from the world, its here that the questions stop and I find myself no longer hiding.

No one has ever been able to reach for me on this level, those that have tried, I have stepped, yet with ease and grace the light seems to do this, effortless in style, like she has always been there, now I am finding myself needing to create a more stable base upon which to grow, but I also fear the reality of life and know the storm will battle down hard against all that I try to achieve.

I know that I can no longer run, that I must turn now and face the past to make the future strong, I must learn to live. I have woken one day to find the most pure of people beside me, a natural light, a heart that holds so much and I have fallen deep with in her shores.

So now on the brink of this new path, on the edge of tomorrow I pause and ponder. I will be moving soon from the place I now dwell, to the pub, my efforts and time must become focused upon this. I am no longer running, leaving behind one place, one life for that of another, but starting again, this time I am building a life.

I really don’t know what the future holds, but I am taking a chance and learning to live. Last night my Facebook status changed “Dumakey is in a Relationship with The Light”, where as normally I would run, or play the relationship game, never actually taking much note, now I have meaning attached behind, and I guess I am happy.

~ by Duma Key on October 24, 2008.

7 Responses to “Changing Facebook Status and I quit my Job…Oppps”

  1. These last two posts were awesome Dumakey. That’s so great you have solidified your bond with her, I’m sure it feels amazing 😉

    Best of luck with your relationship and don’t worry too much about the material pleasures that money brings because love will bring you a million times more! You will be a stronger person inside.

  2. I’m glad you are happy in your relationship.. but I understand what you mean about the voice in your head questioning everything about yourself. I guess we all deal with this to some degree, but finding someone to share it with, even if they can never completely understand, really helps to stop questioning yourself all the time.

  3. How are you? I hope fine… Leaving many hugs and kisses for ya… ❤

  4. PS. I gave you an award on my blog for the way you write – beautiful!

  5. I guess in one way (using my own current situation) I should be thinking no, no don’t quit your job. But I’m not. Because if something is making you that unhappy then leaving is the only way forward, and its better to take that chance.

    Reading your words now is so soothing, this road you heading down is one full of uncertainty but with each step comes learning and with each lesson comes more light. Dancing in the shadows, we both know, isn’t all its cracked up to be but stepping out there and feeling the sunlight on your face and feeling the warmth that love can bring is no doubt the greatest gift that can ever be bestowed on someone.

    You spoke here about how words can sometimes hurt more than anything else, that’s something I agree with – words touch places unseen, a physical pain can last just seconds and then it is almost forgotten but hurtful words twist and turn on your insides, they fester for months, for years, for decades … each time they are visited they sting just as much as the time they were originally heard.

    Your last line here ‘I guess I am happy’ is telling in its own way – its been so long, if ever, that your own personal happiness has been questioned or visited that now its there – real happiness it seems like an alien concept, now is not the time to question, now is the time to just striding forward. Everything good, clean and pure is waiting for you.

  6. Hey you, I guess you are too busy dancing on that light to come and update us … keep dancing, keep smiling, be happy!

  7. Hello!
    Very Interesting post! Thank you for such interesting resource!
    PS: Sorry for my bad english, I’v just started to learn this language 😉
    See you!
    Your, Raiul Baztepo

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