No need to Run…….!

Monday morning sets in, the last few weeks have flown by in a storm and I have hardly had time to stop and think, let alone blog. Rain sets its course and as I gaze out of my office window across a grey and darkened world I am suddenly realising that the world has changed. Everything is the same as it was before, the world moves the same way, yet somehow it has changed, the colours seem to mingle in a different way, the light falls at different angles, as I find I no longer hold the desire to run.

Time has taken on a different meaning, the light that I some how stumbled upon has been strong and powerful, awakening in me a deep desire to breath, to live. Words fail and my understanding lacks at this new place I seem to have come upon, I am suddenly feeling less and less on the outside, and more and more on the inside, I have fallen through the cracks of reality and back into life.

Like a baby breathing for the first time, seeing the world outside for the first time, I too find myself falling into something new as I take my first tentative footsteps into a world unknown. Though I was affraid to step through that door, to let myself fall, to slip down the defenses and breath, I know now that I am glad I did.

I wrote in a previous entry that I am incapable of love, yet now somehow I know that I am wrong.  I have been so worried about the darkness of me penetrating the pure and natural light of her that I failed to see that her light penetrated my blackness, engulfing and freezing out. Naked I stand in a world I don’t know, in a life that I don’t know, with feelings that I don’t understand, with a warmth that pulses through me and no desire to run.

Change sails on the winds of time and I am rolling a dice taking a gamble, in all honesty I am glad that it is her that I stand with. For the first time in an age, most probably in my life I am stepping aside the darkened call and falling into her light. She has shown me a new way, a new view.

None of this has been the same, none of this has been simple, she and I were friends, I never saw this coming. There have been others past, most of the time I was along for the ride, there, but never really there, always an image, ghost like in presence and form, nothing else mattered but me, as I dealt with the demons of youth. Somehow I woke to find her there inside my mind, like she has always been there. In the stolen hours of night when the world is shut at bay and I breath, sliding my arms around her holding her close, knowing that she is there is a feeling I have never known. Actions are easy, words are easy and I am far from an easy person, my whole being has been an image to protect the damaged child with in. With her the words I speak, the thoughts I have hold true meaning, true value and weigh heavy on my mind.

I don’t talk of my life or of me, I keep the world at bay from my problems and issues a cool clear surface that masks dense deep dark waters beneath. I have never been able to relay on anyone, all I knew was that basic tool of survival, animal like I learnt to survive not live. Emotion and feeling burdens not needed and long since shed. I don’t know how to be close to another, I don’t know how to love, or feel, I cant handle nice, or people. Instead I don my mask and pass as a fake.

Laying side by side with the light, her close to me I feel words fall from my mouth, I don’t feel the need to hide from her, though its hard and I stumble as I take those first few steps. I don’t really understand all of this, but time wasted on trying to understand is squandered time that has no point or place, all I know now is that I feel a tight sense of presence, a warmth in her light and no need to run.

I know that I open myself up, I know that the barriers are down and that i could stand to loose the very core upon which I have built myself, my many changing faces, yet now I know that I have to take that risk, take that chance, hold on with both hands and give it the best shot I can, otherwise all that is left is bitter regret.

The road that lays ahead, is unknown and is a world I do not know how to belong in. I am lost, yet somehow not afraid, though normally I would run, just pack up and go, this time I want to stand strong, I am afraid that one day I will stand and look into the eyes of the light and see a deep hurt caused by me, but I also know that I will do everything in my power to prevent that, and all I can do is approach as me, with truth, respect and trust. I don’t fool myself into thinking that world in which I stand now will be easy, nor the path with out danger, but armed with the truth, protected with respect and walking in trust, I am sure that somehow we will get there.

To advance on the future I need to return to the past and lay that broken child down to rest, I can not change the past but for the first time I see that I can change the future, for the first time I want to change the future. The light too will have to return to the past, this I know wont be easy, but every step she takes, beside her I will stand, to weather the storm and I hope ease her pain, if this is what love is, that true and pure feeling, not the ideal but the reality then I will roll those dice and place my bet.

Strangely enough this is the hardest entry I have written.  The truth and reality the acceptance that I feel and in so doing open up the doors to a world so long held at bay. All I know for sure is the depth and gravity of where I stand, for one that has spent my whole life in darkness this step is huge.

~ by Duma Key on October 20, 2008.