Saddness in Light

More often than not I speak the words yet the actual meaning becomes evasive, at times when things are hard, I will say what needs to be said, and I am sure on some level, may be at the time I actually mean them, but as time pulls, the words fall down and become once more only words, dropping to the shores of time being washed away in the tides of life’s great ocean, there meaning lost.

Yet more and more I am finding myself drawn to the light which is her, and finding the words I speak, just that much more than words. Real words with real meaning. Last night I was due to go to her, the bar was busy and I still have not been able to bring myself to replace her, so with no manager in place, I could not leave. As time ticked on and the customers lingered it became late and sleep was needed. As I called her to say that I would not make it, I heard the undertones of the words she spoke, some events of late have thrown her far from balance and today will be hard for her. Despite my over powering need for sleep and her protests of not me coming for need of sleep, I found myself on the motorway heading to her.

The strange part is that no matter what, I have never felt the real need to be with someone, to share with them, to ease there pain. In life I go through the motions, the actions with no real sense of being, its easy to say the words and follow the actions, its not so easy to care. To really mean the words, aside the cliche that flowers eternally.

As I arrived, her tears she tried to hide and as my arms slipped around her, the need for words was gone, I was here alone with her, holding her close while silent tears fell. I would have loved to have taken away her pain, to stop those tears, to wrap her safe away from any form of hurt, I am the hard edged rock face, its easy for me to weather the storm, not so easy for one so pure and innocent, I wanted to give her protection and shelter while the storm lashes down, though I know I can not do this, and she must find her own way through.

Here in her private space, the time alone where the world does not see and the real face of self comes out, I stood with her in my arms, I was locked in her world. Despite my need for sleep, my need for space, there was no where else that I would have rather been. As the night drew on, as time’s relentless pace picked up, I held her close. Words were not needed here, in time they will come with meaning attached, but for this time the silence was enough.

All through the night we lay together, drifting in and out of sleep until morning light fell in and I had to leave for reality’s call, step back from the cave we have carved and into the bitter cold wind of the autumn morning, with a realisation that it is no longer I, but we. This feeling of helplessness I experienced as I stood with the light held in my arms while she wept her silent tears, this burning want to ease her pain, this connection with another person, the meaning attached now to words, that once fell empty on the cutting room floor, is alien to me. When you grow in a world full of darkness, when you live in the night, the light hurts your eyes and takes some adjusting to.

I do not live a normal life, I am incapable of feeling, I move amongst the people always on the outside looking in, on the road I have walked there is a deluge of damage left in my wake. The only real sense I have is how to fight, there need be no reason, the mood takes the anger swells and people get hurt, its all I know.  I have spent all of my adult life running, trying to get away from that scared little child that lay broken and beaten on the floor, with parents that took delight in suffering, I have spent my time fighting, proving to the world that nothing and no one can hurt me. Even at times when out of my depth, I have fought with a deadly venom caring not for whom I hurt or the damage I cause, what pulses through me is not blood, but a rank and age old evil that unleashes its self on to the world.

I have have danced with drink and diced with death, great lady depression and I are age old friends, nothing with in me is pure, nothing is simple from the moment of birth I was damaged goods left with the rejects. As a child unskilled in worldly matters I had to learn to live, to survive, ever fearful of the next blow, a broken bone, black eye another scar these are the things that represent love and affection in my world, in who I am.

When the lights are closed, the doors are locked and the outside world at bay, its here that I feel, its here that the ghosts of the past, of who I am come out to play and its here that I live in silent regret for the damage, for the hurt and the pain. Its here that like once so long ago as I child, I preyed to a “God” and sought normality, an explanation an understanding. Its here in the dead of night that I can not understand why something that is supposed to represent all that is good, gave me to parents that sought to destroy what was created, why something that is supposed to represent love, sought only to show me suffering, when answers I sought, silence I was given.

Now some how my mixed up, messed up world, has become entangled in that of a pure light, someone so soft, so sweet, so warm, some one who could never understand the need for suffering, who would cut her own arm of if that’s what it took to save another. Her heart is pure, her beauty shines, she does not know how to be dark. Her light is so far apart from my own darkness that we dance a deadly dance and I fear she will pay the price. I know inside that I should now surround her, my darkness to protect her light and let her float away to happiness with someone that can give her the things she needs, show her the love she so deserves.

I can not give her the life she needs, I can not forever keep her happy. I can never have children for fear that I too would make the same mistakes my parents made, and send of a broken child into a damaged world.

I simply can not love.


~ by Duma Key on October 2, 2008.

11 Responses to “Saddness in Light”

  1. This entry is hauntingly beautiful in its honesty. But the last line, that is not honest, for already you are loving even if you can not see it.

    We are different, this is who we are, we battle with ourselves because of pasts we cannot change, change will not come but with help surely we can heal. How, in a world so full of people that care little about their actions can we still bring ourselves suffering through guilt of times we cannot change.

    Your darkness is not whole, it is a fragment of who you are, you have so much light, so much honestly, compassion that you cannot hide no matter how much you want too.

    I believe in you, I believe in your ability to make a life so different from the one that you believe you are destined for. My belief in you will not shake or change just because sometimes on the rocky road you take a wrong corner, still I will believe in all that you are.

  2. Let her have a say too. Its up to her if she wants to be with you, no matter how much you think you might taint her. Its her decision to make. But if you look at her and you don’t hold any love for her then let her go, because the worst thing in the world is to love someone who doesn’t love you back. Thats a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

  3. Dumakey, twice I have tried to comment here, and have stopped in fear for how much you sound like another.
    I loved someone, one who was as you SAY you are.
    And you are not, as you say, devoid of love. I have seen the face of such, heard it’s voice, know it’s name. It is not Dumakey. Your friend is right–your darkness is not your whole, but a fragment.

    Love prevails, is so strong as to have power to heal any, should they want.
    Trust me.
    You are already there. Be free. Pearl

  4. Well after reading this I certainly feel that in making yourself so much internally strong that you don’t get hurt you have shut out yourself to a very high degree in which probably you won’t be ever able to show your somehow true feelings and you might even jeopardize some feelings for the sake of remaining unhurt but I assure that you are losing a lot by doing this to your ownself. Everyone has the power of love you just need to seek it and nit keep yourself in an illusion you can’t.

  5. I found myself returning here to read this once again.
    Strangely, wistfully, and heartbreakingly moved by this piece. And a little shaken.
    Beautiful writing, I admire your ability to convey what you have here.

  6. I find myself missing your entries and your comments. I hope everything is good for you right now.

  7. How are ya? *hugs*, *kisses* just 4 u! 🙂

  8. I relate to this post so deeply!

    It feels like a chapter from my life…

    beautifully written

  9. dumakey..i found you! the mysterious visitor to my blog…I wish i could tell you to go ahead and feel free and love. I can’t, i don’t think its that simple for anyone really… i think that if you have diffrent understandings, if you KNOw you are “wired” differently then jump, take the leap WITH EYES wide open. there is no hiding, duma noone is innocent, no one is normal, we are who we are but i will ask you to shift, move grow make a conscious effort to address the parts where you feel insufficient and have had what i like to call a different kind of *training* and to do this not out of insecurity of fear of inadequacy cos you will eventually do more harm but for yourself..cos take it as a sign that you are ready to see the light. Another thing…out yourself CONSTANTLY don’t just tell her that you are diffrent and have suffered SHOW her, explain how you work inside but BEWARE you might start to truly see/construct yourself as a monster…its a tricky line.

    Congrats…i think in spite of yourself, your heart has chosen to love

  10. “I simply can not love.”

    I believe you are mistaken… I began reading this and fell silent within my heart… your words drew me to the door I locked a long time ago… Your words I ached to hear spoken of me for so many years… finally my hopes were drowned and that door locked forever… until you made me kneel before and wonder…

    To not be able to love is one thing… to love too much and want is another… your mind tells you what love is… your heart already knows… the pain you wished to takeaway… that is love… this whole piece is love and heart… speak not of simple love there is no such thing… instead carry your burden and eventually it will cease to bother… you will begin to understand

  11. have you considered, you might have learnt from your parents mistakes..
    & you could give your offspring, the love (?) or untainted life you had(?)

    this post has intrigued me to go read more of your blog

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