No where to run

Fear engulfs me as I enter deeper and deeper into as of yet uncharted waters, I know that I should turn around, head back, but I also know now we have come to far.

At the Theater last night, fashionably late though it matters not, sitting beside her, I caught myself glancing accross I could not help but smile, an incredible warmth stole through me and never before have I felt all in once place, in one time, for that moment and only that moment, I actually felt that the running could stop, that I wanted to reach out and live, a normal life like normal people. The pull of the waters is strong, the current is ripping now, drawing me on, there is no easy way back.

Her light is so pure, its a place I do not know and do not belong, she is all and I am void. Emotion is not a capacity that I posses, its not a part of me, any concept of such thing was beaten from me as a child, I learnt to let go. Her world is full of love, of light, of all that is good, mine is full of darkness anger and hate. We sit two poles apart and I worry, that by my very being I will draw her down and infect her light.

I fear where this is now heading, I do not hold feeling, yet somehow I seem to have found myself swimming in a sea of emotion, drowning in its depths, I should never have let this happen, it was never supposed to be this way. Like a child I do not have the vocabulary, or ability to navigate these waters, I am clumsily trying to walk in a world in which I do not belong.

I should have stood fast and ended this earlier, though now I know it is to late, to walk from her now will hurt her, that I can not do, and to stay will hurt her too, trapped like a fox in the headlights of an oncoming car all I can do is wait for the inevitability of that hit. I can not offer her what she needs, no matter how deep I care. I am incapable of love and spend half my time running from me, I do not fit anywhere and gave up trying, I fear the violence and the anger that runs through my blood, that boils up inside me, yet this is the only world I know. I keep the world at bay and people out, safer that way.

Laying with her in my arms, this should have ended, I should not be there, she asks me a question and I find myself slipping aside the iron mask, and talking to her, I do not dress up the words with fancy imagry, with metophores, like I do in my books, but tell her plain and simple the stupidity of my actions, the events that followed and the reason why, back then when she was only my friend, I could not come to her, even though she had already held the door open. I tell her how I wanted to talk to her, but could not, its better my world stays my own. I find myself being completely honest with another person, putting myself on the line, my neck on the chopping board, awaiting the axe.

I am slipping and know this will only end in disaster, suddenly that burning desire to run has passed, and the only place I want to run is to her, the only place I want to be is with her, this is a world unknown to me, a place so far from the reality of my life, my world, my many faces that I simply do not know what to do. I have stumbled blindly into the garden of Eden out of the darkness of yesterday, I am a fish out of water.

~ by Duma Key on September 30, 2008.