No where to run

Fear engulfs me as I enter deeper and deeper into as of yet uncharted waters, I know that I should turn around, head back, but I also know now we have come to far.

At the Theater last night, fashionably late though it matters not, sitting beside her, I caught myself glancing accross I could not help but smile, an incredible warmth stole through me and never before have I felt all in once place, in one time, for that moment and only that moment, I actually felt that the running could stop, that I wanted to reach out and live, a normal life like normal people. The pull of the waters is strong, the current is ripping now, drawing me on, there is no easy way back.

Her light is so pure, its a place I do not know and do not belong, she is all and I am void. Emotion is not a capacity that I posses, its not a part of me, any concept of such thing was beaten from me as a child, I learnt to let go. Her world is full of love, of light, of all that is good, mine is full of darkness anger and hate. We sit two poles apart and I worry, that by my very being I will draw her down and infect her light.

I fear where this is now heading, I do not hold feeling, yet somehow I seem to have found myself swimming in a sea of emotion, drowning in its depths, I should never have let this happen, it was never supposed to be this way. Like a child I do not have the vocabulary, or ability to navigate these waters, I am clumsily trying to walk in a world in which I do not belong.

I should have stood fast and ended this earlier, though now I know it is to late, to walk from her now will hurt her, that I can not do, and to stay will hurt her too, trapped like a fox in the headlights of an oncoming car all I can do is wait for the inevitability of that hit. I can not offer her what she needs, no matter how deep I care. I am incapable of love and spend half my time running from me, I do not fit anywhere and gave up trying, I fear the violence and the anger that runs through my blood, that boils up inside me, yet this is the only world I know. I keep the world at bay and people out, safer that way.

Laying with her in my arms, this should have ended, I should not be there, she asks me a question and I find myself slipping aside the iron mask, and talking to her, I do not dress up the words with fancy imagry, with metophores, like I do in my books, but tell her plain and simple the stupidity of my actions, the events that followed and the reason why, back then when she was only my friend, I could not come to her, even though she had already held the door open. I tell her how I wanted to talk to her, but could not, its better my world stays my own. I find myself being completely honest with another person, putting myself on the line, my neck on the chopping board, awaiting the axe.

I am slipping and know this will only end in disaster, suddenly that burning desire to run has passed, and the only place I want to run is to her, the only place I want to be is with her, this is a world unknown to me, a place so far from the reality of my life, my world, my many faces that I simply do not know what to do. I have stumbled blindly into the garden of Eden out of the darkness of yesterday, I am a fish out of water.


~ by Duma Key on September 30, 2008.

6 Responses to “No where to run”

  1. I often find myself ending relationships for fear that they will fail, without having given them a chance. So I fail it before it has failed, you get me? Instead of expecting the worst, expect the best.. Maybe she will bring light to you and help you to be happier. Maybe you are perfectly complementary to each other, you give her cynicism she gives you idealism.

    When you look back at this, would you rather say you gave up, you didn’t try? Or that you gave it your all and it was the best that it could be? Don’t be so afraid to fail at love that you stop even trying..

  2. But, congrats on giving it a chance to develop. It sounds like you have something special together! 🙂

  3. It is strange maybe that when I read your words I am almost wishing to trade places with you for just a little while – so I can take your life and what you are finding with this amazing women and knowing what I know as an observer just run with it … but as you.

    I ‘read’ you fighting with your heart every day, I read your struggles and emphasise with the way you struggle to accept real feeling into your physche as its something that you thought not possible.

    I have ‘pretended’ emotions many times in my life, I have been known to pretend I like men very much, but really inside there is always a void – and I know you are the same – and here all of a sudden someone is filling that void and like a child learning to walk it both scares and excites.

    You are so much more than you know, you deserve so much more than you know. You have been in pieces for so long that now as the jigsaw is being completed you know not what to do with the completeness.

    Enjoy it, live it, love it, experience every emotions that comes with it. For finally there is real emotion and while scary it’s the greatest gift that will ever come into your life.

  4. There are times, even for myself where suddenly everything else stops, feelings and all. In these times my mind takes control and I began to doubt the entire pureness of my feelings.

    As I read your words I saw someone before me. I saw someone familiar. I saw me – a me of the past. In the past I despised emotions and I am. by no means, regretted lacking them. I questioned whys on emotions. I laughed, I snickered, I criticized people who have them (I’m not pointing that you’re as cold-blooded as I once was). If I liked someone (at least I think I do) I’d tell them in the face and leave, without waiting for feedback. I just tell them and forgets about them – literally throwing it out of the window.

    Lou is right too. “You are much more than you know, you deserve much more than you know.”

    Like LuLi said, “When you look back at this, would you rather say you gave up, you didn’t try? Or that you gave it your all and it was the best that it could be?”

    When I said in your earlier posts you were like Caine, there’s truth in that. Your post today reflected his feelings. He was afraid he couldn’t take care of me the way he thinks I wanted him to. He was afraid he would neglect me in some aspects of his life since he’s a working guy and I still have to graduate from university.

    But I’ll tell you this, the same thing I told him, “Don’t be afraid to love. The love you experience yourself can not be retold by any love stories in the world. They may sound the same but only you know the words of it. Only you know the whole of the story. Love comes in many greatness – great risk, great responsibility…”

    Live the experience you’re given a chance with. She is there in your life for a reason.

  5. lovely piece…i’ve been looking aound here for you… wander over when ya can… -g

  6. My new friend…I read your words and those that are left here for you. You are searching for your light..and we already see it.

    I think your heart is open to the messages. Messages that you carry within…and we are witnessing the unfolding of your beautiful spirit.

    She is a BEing of light..but so are you!

    Energies of light and peace of heart to you!

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