Unknown waters

Its getting harder and harder and I am sailing in unknown waters. I know that I should not be here, I should be heading back to the shores, not chasing the sunset.

I am both confused and unsure, so much now hangs in the balance and I am starting to see that I am capable of something much deeper, it wasn’t meant to be this way. I am finding myself in the mornings waking just to challenge the pure ability to live, one more second and hold on to the reality of the light that now parts.

What was supposed to pull us apart now somehow seems to be pulling us closer together, drawing us in. Though I know I have to stop this I also seem powerless to do so. I am afraid where this is heading but am getting washed along by the current, dragged by my feet.

This is a dangerous game that we play. I am running round and round in my head what to do for the best. I know letting go is the best thing to do but seem so unable to do so. Self justifications in my own mind, is it really that bad what we do? But then the reality of the situation am I holding her back?

I am sailing now with out the skill or the knowledge to navigate the waters, knowing I should turn back, head back to familiar ground, yet the excitement of adventure grips as I dice with death. I am playing with fire, like one uneducated by the very nature of the beast I hold, I know I have to be careful as this fire could leap out of control and before I know it once again there is only a landscape of destruction left in my wake, the burnt blackened twigs of tomorrow. Yet I also know that this fire I hold can keep me warm, can provide light and hot food, these waters on which I sail could lead to something new and perhaps even an escape from the life I once led.

Am I being selfish? am I thinking now only of me? A few days ago the lines were all clear, we both knew it had to end, that it was for the best. We both knew how easy it would be to walk away, just as easy as it was to fool ourselves that was the case. Now the realisation sinks in, she is more apart of me than I ever saw, she knows when I run and hide behind an iron clad face, as I do with her and some how behind all of this we reach out and find each other.

I don’t do emotion or feeling, I don’t do anything but my own selfish world. I am an isolated island that sits in a sea, this way the disease that is me can not infect others, can not cause damage.

I must stop this now.

Advertisements

~ by Duma Key on September 23, 2008.

9 Responses to “Unknown waters”

  1. I don’t do emotion or feeling, I don’t do anything but my own selfish world. I am an isolated island that sits in a sea, this way the disease that is me can not infect others, can not cause damage.

    and not to far from today i am guessing you will get damn tired of treading water…… and you will remain that which you are until the pain becomes unbearable,, and you decide of your own accord to either sink…. or swim…..

  2. Looks like you are stuck in a position with only two choices but out of some instinct you cant take one of them and because of your inability you cant take the second. You simply need to break free from your own self so as to make your choice else you ll end up in the waters with nowhere to go.

  3. You know, I’ve done the whole love with a best friend thing and I’ve said no.. Lets keep the friendship, blah blah etc. But I regretted it when they found love with someone else, especially knowing I knew them better than anyone in the world, and that they knew me the same, they came the closest to loving the true me. If they can find you behind your wall of iron, and you let them, well.. isn’t that the best you could ask for in a lover?

  4. You cannot be happy until you are happy with yourself, and you cannot turst others until you trust your own heart.

    I am not a professional counselor..I just speak from my own life experience. I finally trusted someone that I ran away from years ago…we have been together for 18 years now, and it only gets better. I wasn’t happy with myself before and I didn’t trust my own heart.

    I am still a loner (a hermit artist 🙂 but I can’t imagine my world without this man. He understands I need my hermit time..he gets me… very similar to your description here:

    “Now the realisation sinks in, she is more apart of me than I ever saw, she knows when I run and hide behind an iron clad face, as I do with her and some how behind all of this we reach out and find each other.”

    Hmmm….sounds like you get each other. Something to think about.

    Not sure if I made any sense at all. :O

    Good energies and peace of heart to you!

  5. Unknown waters… you share your thoughts so eloquently… you speak honestly and in these waters you shall find your way… you speak of selfishness, yet to question is selfless… you shall find your way…

    “The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.” ~Albert Einstein 🙂

  6. Selfishness should never be confused with fear. It is not selfish to not want to hurt someone… but sometimes too much unselfishness is just as bad. You don’t want to hurt her so you think you must cut her free.

    Have you ever thought saying goodbye without trying is going to hurt her too.

    You have something, at last, to run too … why are you not sprinting?

  7. I really like the way you write. Keep posting and I’ll keep reading. Check out my site if you get time… You might like it

  8. Thanks for the feedback on my writing. I left a long comment posted after yours. If you get a second, check it out. I gotta leave for a bit so I don’t have time to retype it. Sorry, I’m new to the whole wordpress thing & am still figuring out where to leave comments. Later

  9. Thank you for your imput on “the punishment that no one deserves.” I’ve been hurt very bad… and taken advantage of, but at the same time, I feel bad that you’ve ran your whole life. This heartbreak HONESTLY drove me to attempted suicide. I slit my wrist and all I wanted was to die. I am a very rational and intelligent person, and I think killing yourself is the dumbest, most pathetic idea that anyone can result to, BUT I didn’t know what else to do. The pain of losing her was worse, atleast I thought, than what it could ever feel like to spend eternity in hell. I use to think the saying, “To have love and lost is better than to have not loved at all,” was the biggest line of shit. Now that I’ve been through it, LOVE is a wonderful expirence. I’ve always wondered how something so great could hurt so bad, but no matter how much it hurts, it could never top the high you feel. Think about it man. I give good advice, yet can’t follow my own. All I’m saying is… If I could go back and take the time I had with her away… I WOULDN’T. Keep reading my site and I’ll do the same. My writing WILL GET MORE POSITIVE, although sometimes it feels good to get your sad thoughts written down. Take care man

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: