The worst weekend of time…..!

The light has now gone and the darkness creeps in, I am left where I began with a strange kind of ache which is a feeling unknown to me, as I slip back to the emptiness. The last few weeks have been the best weeks, in many ways that I have had in a while, and now the light leaves for pastures new and I know this is the best way.

Even though I know this is all the best, the best for her, I am suddenly finding myself missing the light, in a way I never thought I would. I knew the conversation had to come, right from that first night, that very first kiss, I told myself when the time came all would be fine and that we would slip from lovers back to friends, as easily as we did from friends to lovers, day passes into night.

As I saw on Thursday, she began to move her things from the pub, a strange kind of ache set in, like I was loosing something, watching the setting sun. Time ever the enemy tore through at such speed and second by second that conversation grew closer and closer. I know this is the right path for her, to set the light free and let her sail, I knew also that at some point in the future the light would return, and stand back in the bar with new guy in toll, and perhaps this may sting, though I of course would never show.

As Friday came the transition from lovers to friends once more flowed through, less and less sentiment in messages exchanged, I knew that conversation was now looming closer, and that I would speak the words and feel no feeling, after all emotion is I thing I do not do, it has no place in the window of my soul.

Saturday came the eve of passing day, in the bar she reached to me, I slid my hand away. Later in the office my arms around her, the conversation began as we cut the rope. It was that moment, her locked in my arms, the scent from her hair drifting up to me, the warmth of her body, that I wanted to reach out and stop time, stop the world moving on. I wanted to remain for ever in that moment, and I saw that this for me wasn’t going to be as easy as I thought.

As I stood on the bar and watched for the final time her car depart, knowing there would be no goodnight kiss, no sweet messages by text, knowing this was now it, suddenly the colour drained and nothing was at it should be. She was gone. For the first time in my life a new feeling evolved with in me, perhaps even the first real feeling ever, and I almost choked holding it in.

The pub always my safe haven, where acting is expected, was now the very last place I wanted to be, having to paint on my smile and play nice. The enormity of what was hitting me struck like a bolt out of the blue, and I think that on some level that I may have already known this, as the last week I felt myself slipping out of control.

She was gone and that’s the end of that, suddenly wouldn’t wash, I can put on a smile and an act, fool the world, but I can never fool me. Once the doors were locked and the pub once more at rest, I could feel myself slipping away. I knew no good night text would come, and I knew the end was here.

Back home alone, in my world, while everyone sleeps, I try to fight and push of this new feeling, this thing that’s seems to have awoke. I felt dry silent tears of the dead and the wounded as I reached for the wine and a smoke.

Through out Sunday, the pubs busiest day, new staff, new faces, checking my phone to see if a text from the light, had come through. Dead and empty, no new messages. Its better this way. More and more people came, I was here there and everywhere, showing the new what to do. I was searching for her in the shadows, thinking of her in my mind.

Falling, falling, free falling from the sky, I never think or feel, I never ever care. Conversation with self, sort it out, this isn’t a real feeling its all in your mind, as I checked out the girl in the bar seeing only the light that’s now gone. Lost and alone never so close yet so far away. It wasn’t meant to be this way.

Later on, an excuse came along, some unfinished business I needed to sought, so I picked up my phone and text out a message, keeping it formal and plain. I knew from the tone of her reply all was not well. I screamed at myself as our words began to flow, I knew she needed support. Her feelings unfold, as mine do to. She asked me to come and I knew I must not, though how easy it would have been.

Later that night we spoke on the phone, for the first time ever I found myself with out my mask, speaking as me. Never before in my life have I ever spoken to another with out my iron mask, as we exchanged our thoughts and our feelings, I suddenly found myself gasping for air.  When did it become this deep. I can not hurt that girl, I just cant do it, nor can I hold her back, nor can I stand to be apart from her, 15 miles down the road now seems like distance to far.

I simply do not now know what to do for the best. If this is what you normal people call “love” you can keep it, have it back, I don’t want to feel like this.

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~ by Duma Key on September 22, 2008.

5 Responses to “The worst weekend of time…..!”

  1. Just love her back! What do you have to lose? It could be amazing..

  2. something about this situation allowed you to be,, not act… i would at least give it a chance long enough tot figure out what that was.

  3. my sentiments exactly

    ((your post, not the comments 🙂 ))

  4. Bravo!!! Great piece. I love the way you referred to her as “the light.” That is a great metaphor in alot of different ways. Love is kind of an ironic thing. It can literally make you feel high. You wake up in the morning, skip around, smiling for no reason… but when it goes wrong, it’s a pain that you’ve never felt and never want to feel again. Keep posting, I like the way you write

  5. I’ve missed out on things, being so busy behind the screen. Pardon me for that.

    How honest you are in your writing. Talking about iron mask, I recall the time when I had mine on. I was comfortable under it and even to this very second, I missed it terribly. When I first took it down I knew my world would be different. My world would be full of colours but it isn’t always good…because there exist others who would want to paint it their way too. Back when it was all black & white, I was comfortable with my own life.

    I am in love, yes. The emotions and feelings involved can be too heavy and they sting. I gave up some times. Never completely. I decided to go on loving the beloved.

    Why?

    Because it made me strong – now that I have felt how it feels like to love someone unconditionally, to love someone so deeply that I can say Love metaphorically flows in my veins – I have felt. And the world was brought to the tip of my skin. I walked in many shoes once. I walk again in many others now.

    I could explain so much more but I think it would be better if I post a Reflection on it on my own page – soon. Hugs to you, my friend. May all be well for you.

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