The Darkness with in

I have been wandering around the corridors of my mind, looking through the rooms long since sealed, forgotten dust covered memories, recalling times gone by, searching for answers to the riddle of life. Uncovering secrets of old.

The place that I find myself in is not a good place, I have been here once before, down to the very darkest part of the basement of my mind, the place where none should tread. I know there is a part of me down here, hidden in the dark, I can sense he knows I am here.

There is no light, just dense black darkness that by its own blackness makes blackness even darker. The air is heavy and hot, making movement hard and laborious, cobwebs dangle before my face and the stale stench of rotting air fills my lungs. Even fear is afraid to tread down here.

I can sense the growing presence of the danger with in, I can hear his breath, in rasps echoing on the air, bouncing on the walls, he is all around me, he has me in his sights. I wonder now why I came down here, I know this place of old.

Panic engulfs me, he is watching me of this I am sure, though sight for me is none, all I can see is blackness. I know I should run from here, head back towards the door, but still I wander on lost with in me.

This place marks all that is bad, here in lives a part of me that has long since been locked away. This is the very darkest edge of the nothing that is me, it is the part that fights and screams in the dead of night, emotion and feeling have no place down here only anger and hate.

He draws near, I can taste the hostility in the air, the wild animal scent grows strong, there is no way to control him. This is where it all began, where the rot set in that seeps its way through every corner of my mind, here only memories of pain and hurt prevail, here my parents screams and shouts ring loud and true like a never ending movie playing for all of time, constant kicks and pain rain down, things here are best left undisturbed.

His footsteps now draw closer I can feel the age old rage, the suffering and the pain. Here the lies began to cover up a broken world, here is where I began. A striking blow as I uncover one more memory of younger years, locked starving in the cold black cellar, the water seeping in, out of sight out of mind. He feels it to, his rage is rising as he smashes at the walls in desperate fright, blood pouring now from broken hands.

His eyes meet mine, I can see the void, the lack of comprehension, the need for love, transposed into violent ways, I can feel his isolation, his burning wanton need. The scar above his eye is fresh, not aged like mine, the cutting edge of the bread knife swung for slipping on the floor in haste to get away. I can see deep with in the flashing spiral of his eyes the burning need to understand, the need for love that shows itself through violent ends.  The way through clumsy misunderstanding all that is good gets broken in his hands, rolling through my mind I can sea the gentle giant with great big clumsy fingers trying to appreciate the beauty of the china doll but in so doing breaking it by his own hands.

I can not linger here much longer, I know this beast to well and danger follows. I am starting to see now that what I am seeking was here all along, that through innocent eyes of youth, I could not place the words, or comprehend, but everywhere I look, everything I touch has traces of blood upon it. I see what I have known to be true for so long but been unable to accept.

These things I can not change, locked and sealed away deep with in me, the shape and make who I am to be. I can not ever be free from this. As I turn and seal the room once more, lock that blackness down with in again, hidden like I once was from sight. I know now that the only real choice I have is to face this, but I also know that I am not strong enough to do so.

The choice I face is either live in limbo as I have been doing or turn and face the harsh reality of what and who I am, in so doing loose all I have built, perhaps for a one slim slither of happiness, though the pure enormity of the task I must undertake makes for the impossible dream.

I hate being me.


~ by Duma Key on September 19, 2008.

4 Responses to “The Darkness with in”

  1. you seem to have given panic quite a large portion of unearned power in your life…. it may be time for a rather thorough redefining of ones priorities…

  2. It sounds like you’re not feeling too well.. I hope you’ll be fine … x

  3. I have seen the darkness… I have hated my life… it shall pass… as do all things… time is our light… our escape… Dumakey… I am thinking of you…

    It shall pass

  4. It looks like you just went back into your past and found too many upsets at the same time without finding any happy moments. This tends to happen when you are just looking for the sad side of your life but as we say we need to get over the past as we cant change anything about the past. Though for sure the past gives out our mistakes but somehow one just has to know them and know how to evade them the next time.

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