Self Acceptance

Never before have I had so much to say and so few words in which to say it, I am quite simply drowning in myself, the gap between the reality of what I am and the image I portray to a world I never belonged in is immense. The void between the two parts seems like an impossible trek through the most hostile of lands.

Sitting back here deep with in myself, wandering down the shores of my own mind, watching as the parts of my life fall like snow from the sky’s above, dropping wafe like and fickle down upon the sands beneath my feat, melting to nothing. I have this over powering need to do something, to break from the prison that is me.

Looking back, tracing the pages of the unfinished book, I find myself wondering if indeed It was me that was wrong and my parents that where right. For years I have lived with the memory’s of my childhood, and an acid style resentment for all that should have been, eating away at all that is, for years I have run from one place to the next always looking for somewhere to fit in, some kind of recognition some kind of place, only to find the doors once more barred, the path blocked up. Shape shifting from one life to that of another, always living a lie.

Piece by piece the past draws in upon the future and the solid grip I once held now begins to weaken breaking free from the rock face of the solidarity of which I have held on to. I am struck now with the the thought that prehapes my parents were right, and it was just my view that was wrong. I have fought for so many years against the nothing that my parents told me I was. I refusing to accept what they told me was true. My earliest memory’s of a broken child trembling in the corner the side of my head throbbing, tears cried dry, thinking that I was better than this, that I was someone.

Now at the ripe old age of 30, looking through the half finished pages of each life I have lived I see that all that I am, all that I accomplished is nothing and the realisation dawns that my parents were right all along. The bitterness I have harboured, the strength of which I have sustained, this need to achieve something, to improve myself, make something more than nothing, has all been a dream, has all been a waste of time, instead of resisting I should have accepted, instead of wasting time in a world I do not belong in, I should have focused on the fact that things like me do not deserve to be.

I can not attribute my later years to my parents, I flew from there grip as soon as I could. The years of fights and crazy nights all my own doing, the empty shells of relationships that I begun and then destroyed. My parents did not make me wake up one morning, pack away my things while girlfriend number one was working, and vanish from her life with out a trace or word, there in the morning the pretence of happiness, gone by the evening as if I never was. They never made me swop and change life’s, creating different parts for different places,  A void of nothingness a self conceited vacuum drawing in all that is.

So many times in life have I just wanted to be normal, to be free of the chains that hold me, to run and play a whole and complete person, yet every-time I find myself on the side lines always watching, always wishing, the truth be known, now if passed the ball I would not even know what to do with it. The realisation dawns that all that I am is nothing and my parents where right all along.

I can not live a normal life and the one I am living now starts to crumble, the solid ground I stand upon has become unstable and not even another bottle of vodka can stem the flow, Sitting here in this office, the environment so hostile that vile and twisted women who has been hell bent on destroying any belief I had made of me, years of chipping away, I am seeing how much I don’t want to be here. Going home to my empty place alone no longer holds the appeal it used to have, in keeping myself back from people I have isolated all ties and put myself upon on island of my mind where by escape is impossible.

The waters lap up around me and slowly I sink incapable of my own distress, drowning in the mess that I have become. I can see now the pointlessness of life for me, the reason that I fail to fit in, the reason that everything I touch becomes tainted, broken, is in fact because I should never have existed at all one more cruel joke by those that bore me. That I am nothing.

I no longer want to be here, and running is pointless, I have come so far from me in aid to avoid me that I am no longer able to even see me, the void between who I am and the image now so full grown by self conceit there is no way back and as I fly high with waxen wings soring up above the burning sun begins to melt the wax and soon I fall.

Day in day out I am trapped in this prison of which there is no escape, though when the door is open there is nothing inside. I am a body that wanders round in this world that belongs nowhere. I have wasted time on trying to live the impossible dream, a dream of normality, I have searched for years with in the dust for just a small part of happiness, some completion, yet have failed in every way. I should have just accepted what my parents showed me, life is not for people like me

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~ by Duma Key on September 18, 2008.

5 Responses to “Self Acceptance”

  1. personally i feel that for you,, much like myself,, pouring all of this inner angst out on to the page can be most therapeutic.. i found it took me more or less two years to pour out all my anger and heartache… i am currently in a place where i can almost find nothing more to mourn… it is a place of emptiness,, even scary at times,, but i have the freedom now to seek out good things,, new experiences,, with which to fill myself when i am ready….

  2. Hmm well seems you just created an illusion around your ownself and just went according to that. You ended up trying to fix things that couldnt have been better. But its not too late yet, realising that you had gone after the wrong things I think that you will find purpose in life to find real things that need to fixed and really the question of you not deserving life, its just not true. You are simply creating a new illusion in this case around yourself of which I hope you ll break as soon as possible.

  3. Thanks for your reply on my depressive rant last night, after a night filled with alcohol I, all of a sudden, realised that the low after the high was coming and came home to feel sorry for myself. Drink is not a good thing for me, the highs are matched by the lows and I often either get really depressed or really angry at the world.

    I guess I know in one way that you are right that change will come through self determination, but sometimes it seems that by always holding on for this change that I am just wasting years. Sometimes I feel like I am never growing up because I have never changed and one of my big things in life is my personal relationships – not just with men, but with everybody from friends to colleagues, I find it all so difficult, I am either high, low or angry.

    You summed up exactly how I feel with this line ‘to be free of the chains that hold me, to run and play a whole and complete person, yet every-time I find myself on the side lines always watching’

    I too, would give anything to just ‘be’ in the moment I am in. so normal for so many, such a dream for us.

    It’s weird but I want to scream at you here – tell you that of course life is for you, you’re a good person it shows, your blogs are full of honestly, admittance of past mistakes, we make a lot of mistakes because we are trying so hard that we cannot see the fantasy from the reality sometimes. But its always us that pays in the end no matter how muc we hurt others we hurt ourselves more. I’m only a couple of years younger then you, we are young but in other ways we are older than time itself, our lives have not given us the ease of youth – emotionally old before our time. I’ve even had time line therapy to go back and tell the child I was that she is ok, that she is ‘something’ but old hurts run deep and while it helped, it was not a cure. I still feel like a nothing in a world of somebodies everyday, as I know you do too. But you are not ‘nothing’ you are ‘everything’ I wish you could see that.

    I think I am despondent today – I need to sort this mess out and then move on with wherever life is going to take me next. I don’t see heading back to the UK as an option right now, though I know it may well be the only one.

    I live just outside Torrevieja by the way – that’s why I questioned you before about Murcia as its my local airport about 20 minute drive from where I am.

  4. Life is for people like you. Your writing is amazing, however, I can’t relate to an unhappy childhood. I had everything handed to me on a silver platter, which could be why I was a full blown alcoholic at age 17, a cocaine addict by 19, and an oxycontin junkie after that. I guess my point is I chose those things… Everybody has issues that they will never understand. You were blessed with a gift and your writing could save someone else… Good work

  5. Wow… I have been exploring the concept of confessions and authentic blogging recently… Your writting is so beautifully poetic it amazes me. The raw feelings mesmerize me… I can relate to some of what you have shared… Thank you for sharing and allowing me to be a small part of your journey.

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