In Between!

Once again its Monday, and my mood to say the least is not good. I dont think there is any real reason for being in such a mood, I just am! People are annoying me, life is getting on my nervous and I am sick of being in this permanent state of limbo.

I drank way to much beer last night, late on after I locked up the pub. Today I suffer for this once more, not quite hungover just in between, and there we go again that word in-between.

Everything at the moment is in-between. My relationship is in-between, sort of friends, sort of relationship, Abigail goes to university on Sunday at which point the choice slips, and I have to let her go from any emotional tie to me. So we are in-between. The stupid thing here is that I knew I should have stopped this, I knew I should never have got involved, and now I know that her going is going to hurt me, though I will never show it.

I never let anyone get under my skin, I never let anyone see me, yet with Abigail, it has all been different, she was a friend, the bond I guess just grew. To be fair she is one of the most amazing people I have met, it is her deep depths, her nice nature,  the way she cares and loves, the way she held herself together through an impossible nightmare, the way she could never stand and see anyone hurt, and the fact I don’t think she could ever be mean or nasty.

Out of the people I have met on this so called journey of life, that I lead, Abigail shines and stands strong by far, she is a rare gem, though she See’s this not, a diamond that still sees herself as coal, even if I sat and proved to her that she was a diamond, she would much prefer to be coal, that is the beauty of her, of who she is, a whole and complete person. Much better and higher on life’s rainbow, than I am or could ever hope to be.

I know now that it will bother me when she is gone, not that I will ever say, its a conversation that I can not have with her, primarily as she needs to go and have no ties to me. I always thought I was immune to any concept of emotion. She leaves on Sunday and as suddenly as our relationship began, it so to will end. I have thought about ways to keep things afloat, but that is pure selfishness on my part, satisfying my own need to be in her arms, as oppose to what is best for her.

When all logic dictates, despite my burning need to run to Spain, those quite times at home alone were where I wanted to run to Abigail, the special stolen moments we spent together, despite my fear of the inevitable. The fear of being burnt. She must go and needs to be free to enjoy and experience university and the 15 miles between us may as well be a whole continent. She needs to fulfil the potential that after time has driven her back to study, that unique aspect of university life, free. Because I care so much I must let her slip away now, with out over complicating things for her.

The irony lays in the fact it was I that wanted to run, yet it is her that goes!

Trying to clear my head, sort out the dead wood and work out exactly what I am doing here. I know after Sunday that things between Abi and I will never be the same again, and that at some point I will have to see her come to the pub with a new guy in toll, and just can only hope that she is happy. For me I must return back to the darkness that consumes my world and decide what it is I need to do.

I know now that I can not carry on living as I am, and do not want to slide back into the isolation of me, having stepped out of that for a while. I also know that to find happiness I have to find peace with in me, the answers don’t lay in the bottom of another bottle of Smirnoff and numerous cigarette’s.

The problem I have is embracing me and then placing that back into the context of life, and that I fear is far to much for me to handle. I could head of over to Spain, but I take myself with me, I could move away, but still I come with me, I cant run from me. The gift that Abigail bestowed upon me is the realisation that I just cant run anymore. That I can not place a round peg in a square hole and expect it to fit, it just does not.

Now I am left with pieces and the shadows that are me in a world where nothing fits. I think I already know the answer to the riddle that is my life, but I think the enormity of the task I now face is far to much, and the prospect now of stepping back to where I was is no longer an option.

The only door I find logical is the one with the exit sign.

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~ by Duma Key on September 15, 2008.

3 Responses to “In Between!”

  1. you got it , THE EXIT SIGN!! but not death ,
    it was right to let go her, but never let go yourself

  2. You know what I find quite ironic in this entry is that you speak about it was you that wanted to run but it is her that is leaving, but what you don’t realise is that you ran all along, because you have the desire to run so much you run emotionally and believe me running emotionally puts a bigger gap than miles or hours ever will.

    Exit signs are not to be followed all they do is take you to a place where the cycle starts again, you think your still not taking yourself with you? Life is a lesson, we are here for a reason and if your reason is not fulfilled in this life I believe we are eternally shackled to what we did not complete. It has been this belief that stopped me doing some very stupid things when I have been depressed.

    There is something waiting for you, and I know that as the years pass you tend to believe that less and less but there is … trust, hope, believe … when everything is wrong, when everything seems so impossible, when you feel that your impossible just hold on to that you are here for something you just need to continue the search.

    Abigail sounds an amazing person – when I have read your descriptions of her I have wished more than once to be half the person that you describe her to be. But we are all different, and even those of us (self-confessed bitches like myself) who do not meet the public acceptance of what is right, we are still people, we are still on a journey that needs to be completed.

  3. i wrote once,, that the only way to catch freedom is to stop running… and i have to agree with lou ,, that running emotionally is very much still running…

    each of us,, in some way or another serves a purpose in the lives of those that we touch.. find the purpose you served in abigail’s life,, and i think you will find the part of you that you that you currently want to believe is in limbo…..

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