The Weekend ends!

Another long weekend passes by, most of my time once again was taken up by the pub. The hours of Monday slide away and I still have much to do! This evening once again I am over at the pub, from office to pub, may be I will make it home this evening. I will be glad when I have more staff.

Very little time this weekend to think, or rest, hardly had time to eat, not that it bothers me much, food is a hassle I can do with out. Monday rolls around way to fast. I often think I lead several different life’s at the moment, between office, pub and my other stuff, a character of my own mind. Each part separated by pathways of time, I am one thing here and another someplace else, each world from the outside is Rosy, from the inside dark.

So many things seem to happen around me, nothing happens with me as I blindly stumble from one disaster to the next, one thing to another. It occurred to me the other night how that is all my life has ever been, passing from one dark stage to that of another, inside a fog which is my own mind.

Trying to figure it all out, becoming more and more lost, when one steps outside of the rules, whats left? how do we really know who we are? Looking around a whole mirage of identity’s, different people doing different things, being different things, in different ways. Judged on how they dress or act, somehow seeking solace in being something, to be something with substance. A name, a label, a something,. anything is better than nothing.

A stone is a stone, it knows what it is, where it came from and what it is supposed to do? Does it ever feel unhappy with itself? does it have to deal with the pressures of things that matter not? Its just content being a stone, if only life was that simple.

Striving to be part of a system that I have already lost belief in, that I never was or never will be part of, different life’s locked with in one, I am here, I am there, I am not. Slipping in and out of reality, a reality that is based on nothing more than ideals, upheld by a people that forget who or what they are, clinging to an identity that they can never really be sure is real? How do we know who we are? What we are?

Day after day running through motions, falling into actions, and patterns of behaviour, all of which are predetermined, nothing is as it should be, and I become more and more absorbed in what is, as oppose to what should be.

Words come they go, they give me a mask to hide behind but it still does not answer the question posed by identity. We seek bonds with others, the very thing I try to avoid, yet feel compelled to form. Close net work of friends developsyet I cant help wondering if I am play acting. I almost feel like the whole of my life I have been waiting for something, yet now I really don’t know what I am waiting for. A passenger on a bus, looking through the eyes of another, all of this reality in which I live is no more real that the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, days sail passed as I stare out of the window, along for the ride, going someplace, going nowhere, for all I know I may have missed the stop I was supposed to get off at.

Much time we stole together this weekend, away from prying eyes, together, her in my arms, the whispering wind at the window pains, pushed out for a while.  Content for a while we lay, and talked, she does not know that I have already begun looking at flights to Spain, I can already see the pending landscape, the tranquil shore line as the plane descends towards Murcia airport. This time it will be different, this time I will not run, this time all I have been searching for will fall into place, this time I will be whole. Till that is its time to run again.

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~ by Duma Key on September 8, 2008.

4 Responses to “The Weekend ends!”

  1. Your flying into Murcia? Are you familiar with Spain? I wish I could be enthuastic for your plans but I know what its like here, I know how there is no good to be found, just more questions (and no work and a lot of shite people!)

    You seem to have so much, the pub, this girl, your job … think before you run, often I want to turn the clock back or run someplace else. But I have nothing to run too, just as I never really had anything to run from, just myself and unlucky for me I can’t do that!

    Thanks for your comments but its not true, I am not placid or nice, my dating advert would read something like ‘I am Lou-Lou, over bearing, high maintenance, bossy … neurotic.’ Hahah!

  2. ” I often think I lead several different life’s at the moment, between office, pub and my other stuff, a character of my own mind. Each part separated by pathways of time, I am one thing here and another someplace else…”

    This began as what I sensed to be a semi rant… i found it to be an existential search… you touched upon great issues… and for some reason I feel somewhere you know the answers… and large they are. Within your thoughts I gained insight. Thank you for sharing your questions… I am all about the questions…

  3. having subjected myself to a life time of quite the same ponderings,, i almost inadvertently at first cut myself off from the world as we know it.. i spend the majority of my time alone in a world of my won creation.. i drink here or there,, and have on an occasion or two done a bit of dope of one kind or another,, but i return to my safe little cocoon unscathed,, and no longer addicted to the machinations of this world,, or the chemicals that i once saw fit to sacrifice myself to…

    all said… i guess all i mean is, that it can be done,, sometimes you just have to allow yourself to become someone even you won’t recognize……..

  4. It is hard when we have so many questions and can’t find the answers. Identity is something that everyone struggles with, but at least you are consciously aware of it, and asking yourself these questions. I always think that the questions are important even though they are so frustrating and often seem to go nowhere

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