Sleepless thoughts on Friday morning!

Friday comes in to port bringing with her sky’s of thickly over cast cloud and the endless rain, I struggle now to recall the warmth of the sun, a long drawn out summer evening, seems a distant memory. Days draw in and winters call once more sets forth her course and heads towards the shores of life.

Sleep was evasive last night and concentration now comes in patches.  Abigail and I stole some time together, in secret. As the early hours of this morning stole in, we lay entwined in each others arms, never so far away from where we came, yet never so close. Its strange how I am becoming more and more drawn, to spending time with her.

I lack the void for need of others, though I am there I am more often not. In a room full of people I float like a shadow so far away from that which is. Though I speak and go through the motions, though people stand strong and close, I am never so alone, never so far away. With others comes complication and I find myself doubting me, I don’t see myself as whole, and therefore not complete and lack of interest to those around.

Its easy to build a world with words, a world where words mask that with in, that which is beyond all sight. Its easy to stand strong pretending behind the smile I wear, that all is well, whilst inside I ride a sea of troubled waters.

Sometimes I just have this need to break free, I feel the rules of life, the strict and stringent way to live, the rights and wrongs to much. I try to grasp what it is to be a part of this social system, but lose sight of true meaning and purpose, instead hanging on to the very ledge I tried to stand upon. I loose track of the meanings behind the rules, and find myself drowning riding wave after wave of the pointless and mundane, always in an attempt to fit in and belong.

I think this is why I run so often, why I just pack up and go, trying all the time to fit in looking for somewhere to belong. Never actually belonging anywhere is hard, its hard to establish roots in the rule book of history, to say this is from where I came, when you have never belonged. Then there is the rules, they drive me insane, but what are the rules for a solitary soldier? Is there a point to fighting a battle I can not win?

I find myself more and more often testing the mental boundary’s of the rules, looking for ways to bend them, the constraint is strong. Even though I have spent a whole life time so far looking for ways to slip in and belong, I cant seem to help but reject  any form of acceptance to rules that just make no sense.

Everyday we feel the pressure, there are roles we must perform, ways to act, think and speak. Does putting ones elbows on the table at dinner really make one a bad person, is this so wrong? Why is it wrong? where did the definition come from? Everyday from the moment we wake we follow rules, the way I dress is constrained, the way I must act, talk, walk, think behave! I can not help but wonder how it all became so complex.

I am trying to find my own identity in a world of the impossible, where the probable is improbable. Its rules that define us, yet when I follow the rules, I am still not defined, my shape fits roughly what it should fit, but I am still not complete not whole. Thus following the rules does not lead to perfect happiness, so then by not following the rules will that lead to perfect happiness? Completeness?

Though I want to fit in and belong, by the same vain I do not! I want to be me, yet struggle to find me! Often I look in the mirror of life and see not myself looking back, but a stranger, someone I know not, yet I follow the rules I dress and act, behave the way I should? Do the things that society demands I do.

The constant constraint drives me insane, I want smash my way out of this greenhouse, this prison cell that holds me and fly, yet I do not know how to fly, having never been taught. I stand alone, its safer for other’s for me to do so. I have always been alone from that child left to fend for itself in a world full of violence and darkness, its impossible to love when rejection is all you know, in the end rejection becomes perfect nature, I reject the world before the world can reject me, not because of what it is but because it would not want a nothing like me, thus I take away the control and ease my own pain.

I cant follow the heard, sit in the crowds, though I may walk with in, I am easy to spot heading the opposite way. I long to embrace yet need to pull back. I can not figure it all out or sort all the pieces.

A call on my phone….”Hello, who’s this….?” My answer “I really don’t know?”

I realised this morning just how long my hair has got. I never intended to grow it, never even gave it a thought, it has just grown and grown, till today I saw that it hangs half way down my back. I can not now help but wonder why! Does it really matter anyway? who defines the fact that normality is short hair.

The rules are driving me mad!

I need to sleep……!


~ by Duma Key on September 5, 2008.

6 Responses to “Sleepless thoughts on Friday morning!”

  1. I believe rules are made to be bent, by breaking societies rule we sail on troublesome seas – but bending them is acceptable. When it comes to how you dress, speak, are then following the rules just makes you become something you are completely not, hiding behind a façade, we need to let that façade slip even for a short while to give us the chance to explore exactly who we actually are.

    You know I relate to this, the constant feeling of not-belonging, but I also believe that both of us … by accepting this feeling of not belonging … are making ourselves open to self-exploration. While we feel solitary and alone in a world so full of possibility for others that seems to float past it, we are looking on as bystanders the neutral third party that makes no judgements but takes the parts that we think may suit us.

    Each time I read your words I feel like I am reading myself, and by doing that, I am starting to see myself in a different light, in your life I see so much possibility, so much awareness, that it makes me reach to higher parts of my mind to question whether I have the same possibilities and if I can ‘borrow’ some of your awareness.

  2. once again i can feel a portion of myself in this post.. i have come to grips with the fact that i will never really fit in anywhere,, and more or less decided to create a little world of my own… granted,, it is a somewhat anti social world,, but it is mine,, and i belong here…

    i wish you too will some day find “that place…”

  3. well in this I would like to add the fact that there s no wrong in breaking rules as long as it does reach an extreme level. In fact by breaking some rules we do find part of ourselves which we might not have found if we lived the same monotonous life by rules. By bending some rules we discover more of ourselves and how we react to certain situations.
    I know its impossible to oneself wholly but by breaking breaking some barriers you ll get a little closer to knowing yourself. Hope you do find yourself.

  4. I understand how you feel. Sometimes I just think about all that people expect of eachother, and sometimes you end up expecting it of yourself until you really ask yourself ‘why’? So much that we have to do and have to be, and sometimes even when we try to break free and just be who we feel we should I suppose the rules always hold us on some subconscious level.

    Also, just to let you know I subscribed to your blog and added you to my blogroll 🙂

  5. You are not a puzzle peace; in that you will fit into a space for an eternity. What works for you now may not work for you tomorrow; and what doesn’t work for you . . . . I think you know where I’m going with this. It is funny that you would mention your hair; for your hair represents growth. Everything living changes constantly; your hair is not the same as it was last year; neither is any cell in your body! Learn to embrace the changes; don’t worry about fitting in – for the plan is so wonderous that you will fit where ever you are in any given moment – whether alone or not. Whether you feel good or sad – embrace your life and you will certainly be able to fit in with yourself. Blessings to you and yours. . . CordieB

  6. Yes – why do people do that? Two people at a table for six? Honestly I know that sounded like ranting post but sometimes I just look at people and think …your all stupid haha!!

    Yep, the not wanting tables thing pisses me off too, or when there is ten tables ready and the people want to sit at the one table that’s not set …errr … get a life!!

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