Freindship lines now crossed!

Sitting here now at work, the extended weekend passed, how easily things have changed, how fast the pace and tempo of the ever flowing music of my life can switch. A million miles from yesterday and a million more from tomorrow, I pause and breath a while.

Abigail and I argued on Sunday, the pointless rules of life, the nothingness of something slipped. Monday morning I awoke beside her, her shining eyes and pretty smile, my friend of old, the lines crossed, the pattern blurred. Nothing will ever be the same again.

Pathways lay ahead, though I know not now where to walk, from friends to lovers in 90 seconds, and I still have not caught my breath. Abigail knows me deep, as my friend, though she only sees a part. I have kept the doors to emotions toll closed and shut, yet ghost like in form she has slipped in. I never knew.

As Monday’s hours slipped passed, I found myself more and more occupied with thoughts of Abigail and do no know why.  We are friends and this is madness, the serpent holds a deadly bite. She has the most beautiful smile and pretty eyes. I do not do emotion nor do I cross the line between friends and lovers, yet now it seems I have.

What have we begun? The ashes of our friendship lay abound, shattered fragments of all that was good, broken now like pieces of a mirror reflecting up each, shard cutting deeper inside my core, as friends no more, that deadly line now crossed.

Sitting here now, thoughts of Abigail running through my mind, I suddenly see that I am vulnerable to hurt, that in my own strength lays my Achilles heal. I have exposed myself and now must wait the inevitability of the killing blow. My own strength of isolation, of hardness, of standing alone, has become my own undoing, in avoiding love, and ties, relationships, I sought refuge in friendship, I vested my time in understanding, in being there and in so doing, the very thing I have tried so hard to avoid has in fact become my undoing.

How could I have been so blind? The more now I recall the recent weeks, where friends talk, share and support, the signs were there, we were slipping closer and closer together. Blinkered to the inevitable, on and on our friendship path developed, but slowly creeping in the unseen enemy advanced, its path merged into ours, friendship, pure and simple now tainted with emotions call, once pure and natural springs, now polluted with the deadly bite of conflicted emotional ties.

Hanging over a chasm, I see now what I should have seen before, the depth and pull of my feeling is deep, I stumbled blindly into loves domain, I have fallen from the sky’s and now await the inevitability of disasters strike. How could I have been so stupid, when all the signs where there, I should have seen this coming, side stepped, evaded.

The lights now turned on in full I see what I failed to see in the darkness of me. I can not now undo what has already been done, I can not take back Sunday night, or change just how right it felt when I awoke to her smile.

This is all so wrong, this is pure and utter madness, she is my friend. So much we risk to loose, yet so much we stand to gain. I should stem this now, but if I am true to me, really true, I can not. I care to much.

May be it is better to end things now before they have a chance to begin, to keep her safe from the danger of me, I never want to look into those pretty green eyes and see a hurt there lodged, caused by me, I never want to know she crys bitter silent tears because of mistakes I make. How can I guarantee that I will never hurt her, now emotions stuck its clumsy fingers in and took a grip? I have never felt so helpless, falling haphazard straight into the very place that I tried to avoid.

Why will she not slip from my thoughts? How did I not see this coming and stop before it began.

How now I wish I could flip back the pages and re-write but the part that worrys me most, is even if I could, I do not think I would.

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~ by Duma Key on August 26, 2008.

11 Responses to “Freindship lines now crossed!”

  1. Don’t rewrite the past, its not necessary, but find the strength to face the future.
    We put barriers in place because we feel like they are protecting us – sadly, this is not the case most of the time, mostly those barriers keep the good things out.
    Letting someone care about you, takes strength, walking away and hiding yourself from being hurt doesn’t take anything but weakness.

    The only things you will regret in this life is those that you didn’t try.

  2. This is the exact same situation that I went tru.

    My best friend fell in love with me, I had “feelings” that confused me as well, I find myself more and more attracted to him..

    I don’t know how to feel about it.. But I think we will become lovers really soon. I am afraid how it is going to influence our friendship..

    http://snowwhitecinderella.wordpress.com/

  3. well kind of a bad situation in which you are in.. Its most difficult to hurt a friend in any sort of way. But you do have a positive side that she being your friend you knowing her thoroughly can understand her and comfort her in the best way possible. best of luck for the thing.

  4. Thanks for the warning brother, but I fear that there is no hope for us. :O)

  5. Lou-Lou – Thank you for your comments, I see your point well and will give this much thought.

    snowwhitecinderella – Its hard knowing what is right or wrong when that line between friends and potential partners is crossed, and emotion taints. I have always gaurded against this, keeping the two elements seperate, yet I am not sure how this came to be! I just dont want to loose her, but either way I run the risk!

    Nemesis89 – Yes there are posative and negative sides, working out now what is best is the hardest part!

  6. It aways seems we should have seen the signs when we’re looking at the past from the point at which we’re now. But it’s only our past actions that have made us the people who we’re now, there’s no way of rewriting the past as we’d only be fooling ourselves. The past seems clear and the future is a question mark, and of course you have a lot to lose, but then there’s also a lot to gain, and in the end it’s better to regret something you have done than something you haven’t. Of course noone wants to hurt people they care about, but everyone does. The only way we could avoid hurting others would be locking ourselves to a bubble floating far away from life.

  7. i may very well be in the same situation as you soon dumakey ..

    when your intuition & sensory acuity are sharpened and heightened, you will begin to see things as they happen instead of in hindsight .. we don’t always choose who we ‘fall’ for or when cupid’s arrow strikes (like in ‘reality bites’)

    don’t (re)act out from a place of fear, regret or ‘logic’ .. follow your heart for the truth exists there (in this instance) .. great relationships can stem from great ‘friendships’ and often form the strongest foundations 🙂 love can only deepen a friendship ..

    in life – there can be no great gain without no great risk ..

  8. Dumakey, I see my life, my relationship reflected in yours, except that you are more as Caine. I understand how you feel because Caine has told me the same thing you wish to tell Abigail. Yet I still love him.

    I have not dared to ask Caine himself (thanks to the age gap), so I’ll ask you instead. I sense a self-sacrifice here. Are you letting go so as to give her the chance to be happy with someone else, who is supposedly to truly love her?

    I must say, self-sacrifice is a powerful form of love. And if Abigail is anything like me, I’m sure she will understand whatever your choice will be. It will hurt perhaps but if understanding is met, then whatever your choice is, to go for it or to let it go, I hope it will be the best for both of you.

    Lou-lou is right. We can’t rewrite the past but face the future. And the comments before mine carry a shard of truth in their words.

    Love, joy and peace to you and your beloved, my friend.

  9. Bitterchocolate – Thank you for your insight you raise some good and valid points, Been left with regret of not acting can be worse that regret of acting I guess.

    Soulscaping – Thank you for your comments. If only life came with a map, a guide book and a compase lol!

    Glaize – If I could answer your question I would! So complicated on the one hand she is my friend, on the other hand I am realising that I have feelings for her, though that was never my intent, I have strict rules between friends and potentail partners, never cross the paths!
    Logically I should stem this now, lay up my own feelings for the better good of her, I never, ever want to hurt her in the way emotion can, I care to much for her, let her slip and find happiness elsewhere. But then on the other hand, the very fact that I would do anything not to hurt her, and that all I want is her happiness, that no matter what as my friend and now prehapes more, I will always be there for her, I have to ask myself if this is not a good premise to start and build more from.
    I do not know if I am being selfish or putting her first….either way! I guess all we can do is talk, honest and openly and let nature take its course.
    Prehapes Glaize you should talk also with Caine? lay it on the line as it is for you and ask him to do the same? clear up the confusion and see where it leads, But I wish you luck and from your writing I can see your intelligance and clear head so know that what ever choice you make you will do so for the right reasons, in light with and honest and open heart!

  10. Relationships and Friendships… I wonder if they truly can coexist… I believe they can… under special circumstances… A truly pure love… perhaps…

    It is funny… I value my friendship over my relationship. Does that make sense? It is late. I am tired.

  11. […] – bookmarked by 5 members originally found by incog on 2008-11-15 Freindship lines now crossed! https://dumakey.wordpress.com/?p=173 – bookmarked by 2 members originally found by fuzzymillipede […]

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