Wednesday Musings

The rain holds off a while today, gives me pause for thought, a little reprieve, a shelter from the storm. The waves they come and crash around, the wind still blows the dampened sands into a frenzy that whips and stings, but at least for now the rain has paused.

Upon these shores, now so familiar inside my mind I stand and wonder at the ball of string that has become my life. I think once long ago that string started out straight, yet over time around me it has tangled and twisted, frayed around the edges, become great immense knots of mystery, the end is lost somewhere with in and the beginning is long gone.

I don’t know if I have ever been myself, I feel like I borrowed a body and slipped into someone else’s life, looking through the eyes of a stranger, living by the rules of another, trapped inside, or may be that is just who I am.

I don’t think it was always like this, and wonder just how it all became so tangled it kind of happened around me and the more I fought to keep that string safe and straight the more tangled it became, like a little kitten playing with a ball of wool, the wool soon becomes tangled, lost, the kitten looses interest and moves on.

Pausing now, I try to untangle all this string, this maze of knots, try to figure my way back to the beginning in the hope that somewhere down the line I will find the end, and can begin once more to pull things straight. With every knot I find, with every tangle, twist and turn, I can not help but wonder just how this all happened, right before my eyes, yet I never saw, how did my life become so complicated that somewhere with in I lost myself.

Sometimes I feel like I am drowning when standing on dry land, suffocated by people when there is no one around, sometimes just my own thoughts drive me to distraction.

I forgot my pin number yesterday, how strange was that? One minute it was there inside my mind the next gone, lost for all eternity. Funny how easily, a thought, a memory, a dream that once was can slip, float away float of on the winds of time, as if it never was.

Still on and on I toy and pry my way though this tangled mass of string, trying to find meaning, trying to straighten it all out.

Sometimes I wish I could slip away, like a memory forgotten, one minute its there next gone as if it never was. Just walk right on out of life.

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~ by Duma Key on August 20, 2008.

One Response to “Wednesday Musings”

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