Unknown Direction’s

Friday falls upon the day, and I can not say I am altogether unhappy about seeing the end of this week, what started out full of hope that fell down hard and shattered into pieces before me, though some hope still lays in the struggling phoenix that may yet rise.

Silence sits in the office air, that strong and deadly type that seems to echo with in its self and magnifies more the silence with in, its very presence amplified by the removal of the servers which masked before. The Dragon sits upon her throne of self appointed moral guardianship, ruling a world of right and wrong with eyes that see not with wisdom, but venom, a heart that rules not with purity, but spite and bitterness, one who is always right with in her plane yet seldom if ever in reality ever is. Self consumed bitterness, and emptiness with in, something lacking that means she projects forth some distorted view of life upon a world, where she chooses what is right and what is wrong, and spews forth venom like merduces serpents. I do not understand these people, and find it hard to hold pity, for in trying so hard to mask themselves slant the world to there own way they miss the very things that matter most and live uncompleted empty life’s, though she thinks she is popular, she is not, though she thinks she is liked she is not people just play nice to avoid her venom.

This week has certainly been odd, weird little incidents that mean nothing in isolation but accumulate to mean much more.

I passed an owl the other night whilst driving home, I think it is the first time in life I have ever seen an owl, Sat beside the road, it was a great huge bird with eyes of old, I understand now why they call them wise. It held no fear of me and its eyes, so deep and dark made me wonder what secrets lay with in what wisdom it held of old.

I am still no nearer to choosing where I go from here, many thoughts run through my mind and sweet lady depression has come to stay a while, her presence helps not as she disturbers my mind and paints over blue sky’s with a shade of grey.

Lady depression and I are age old friends we dance together under the pale moon light of setting stars, her eyes so sweet and wide, alluring they draw you in, her painted smile so perfect, masking lips you long to kiss, that hide her deadly fangs. She and I know each other well, we study form, and play, we toy around the room, In both love and hate, we poke and pry, searching for a weakness with in each other. Part of me welcomes her back home part of me rejects her. Still she is here now her luggage indicates she is set to stay a while.

Her presence helps not my cause, my thoughts become muddy, unclear, once still waters now run deep and clarity seems like a distant memory. I need to make this choice, move from here either one way or the other, but am afraid to jump.

The road I am on forks two ways, neither course is easy one will lead to some kind of stability, perhaps not ultimate happiness with in me, or even ultimate fulfilment. The other road much harder this I know, to turn all around upon its head, a world once one way must become another and I have no real guarantee of perfect self fulfilment, or happiness but the chance is there though the road is long and hard, this road I must walk alone. The choice becomes do I take the risk and run the odds to gain myself, or take the slightly less rocky option with at least some guarantee of not total fulfilment, or happiness but a higher percentage! Trade in the unguaranteed for the guaranteed, take some level of happiness and fulfilment over a chance at total fulfilment, become an 20% shadow or take the risk that may pay to be a complete whole.

The only certainty I have is that change must happen, as at present I am a full shadow, a flicker in the wind and time ticks on.

If only like the Owl, I could find the age old wisdom to know what choice to make.

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~ by Duma Key on August 15, 2008.

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