Unimportant illusions

My life has become so unimportant, full of things that are irrelevant, matter not. The void of nothingness has somehow become full of the unimportant, the trivial, the mundane. Instead of vesting my time with things that matter I have somehow slipped from the edge, drifted in a void and filled the empty space with things that matter not.

The weekend has passed once again in the blink of an eye, what exactly have I done? What have I achieved? what was the point to it all? Friday night Abi came over, I cooked, we watched a DVD we spoke a lot but said nothing, we needed a break from normality and so enjoyed the silent tranquility of the perpetually flowering cliche, she left, I slept.

Saturday another wasted day, I went over to Julies with her post, we talked pretty much again about nothing, we looked at her new fish, I wondered how much better life would be if I was a fish. Sometimes I think I am living in a fish tank, on display for all to see. I came home, went on facebook, showered and went to the pub. I forgot to eat. The hours slipped away, I locked up and came home, at home I became me, the part I keep well hidden. I stole my time back from the world and suffered alone.

Sunday I awoke, hardly any sleep, I felt drained. I worked all day at the pub, we were busy. I came home late and drank some beer, Spending most of the reminder of my time texting Abi, she I fear is lost, easier to help with her problems than deal with my own.

Monday comes, I was once again late for work. I had no petrol in my car, wondered if I would make it to the office. I sit in silence and ponder.

Another wasted weekend, more days slipping in my time line of life.

I am a shell with no substance, I am hard on the outside empty on the inside. Other people come and borrow time with in my shell, like hermit crabs. I let them consume, give them space, protection, warmth, a home for a while away from the pain of the world. Once they are rested, fed and happy, they slip from the shell of me, and head back into life. I become empty again and await the next to come.

I hide away my own world behind a mask of illusion, I always smile, and always strong, when inside I am lost. I give the illusion of knowing where I am, knowing who I am, knowing what I want. When in reality that could not further form the truth. I wonder how many people that I know, really know me? In short none. I have painted a picture, a picture that I let them see, a picture that masks the harsh reality of the rot beneath, I present an illusion.

Out in the real world, I float, slip in to my role, fit in to rules that long since lost there meaning. I listen and respond, always a smile on my face, always happy. I think that’s why I hang on to the pub, its a reality check that fits my life. Its expected there that I am happy, fun, wear my smile and lead. I do this well, I play my part. Upstairs I may be sad, I may be hurt where no one See’s but once I step through the door walk on the bar, I slip well in to my role.

I am an illusion, I don’t think I really exist.


~ by Duma Key on August 11, 2008.

2 Responses to “Unimportant illusions”

  1. well…what to do ?? you should find an escape !!!!!

  2. Thanks Dima. If only it was that simple!

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