Back Home….!

Back from my trip, it feels now like an age away almost like I have never been. Strange how once back in the saddle of normal life what was only yesterday somehow now seems like an age away, a distant memory on the shores of time.

I needed the escape, things were getting pretty messed up and black inside my own mind for a while back there, slipping of the clothes of normality and stepping outside on the shores of another country, just for a while I was able to lay my thoughts to one side, relax and enjoy, assume the clothes of a tourist, with out the burden of the chains that have become my life.

The weather was great, the sun shone and the heat was good, things always look better when the sky is blue and the heat of the sun burns down. Gave me some time to breath and reflect upon me.

Sometimes I find myself looking at me, almost like looking into the depths of a muddy pool, immense and dark, I stare down unable to see the bottom, urging the waters to clear so that I may see what lays underneath. If only life came with a book where by the answers can be found.

It was hard surrounded by people who where once my family, my parents that over time have become like strangers, mistakes of the past sting deep into the future and I carry myself a lot of bitterness towards a childhood I never had.

I found myself reflecting on quite a lot, I think the space and the time out was the main catalyst to this, I also realised that I have forgotten how to relax and have fun. I watched people come and go, laughing enjoying, with no worries and found that I could not be the same, always holding back. Like a child first encountering the cold of the Atlantic sea, the place puzzles, enthrals, slowly the child draws near, allows the water to lap around there feet, runs back as the cold bites, and a momentary panic kicks in, then steps back gaining confidence. For me I just could not quite let go and dive right in, I felt at times like I was on the outside looking in, letting the waves  come just to my feet, but could not emerge right in. I don’t know where or how I forgot how to relax, have fun.

I have some key decisions to make that will impact now where I go from here. I don’t know which path to choose, neither choice will be easy, one more impossibly hard than the other, but could lead to a completeness of me.

I thought about just throwing a coin, and abiding by which ever outcome I get from there, Heads= choice 1, Tails= Choice 2, if only it could be that simple. I don’t know what to do, but one thing for sure when I arrived back to my empty apartment, I knew that things must change. I can not slip back in to the blackness that was consuming me.

If only I could find the answer, know the right choice to make and stick with it.

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~ by Duma Key on August 5, 2008.

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