Wednesday thoughts

Less than 48 hours to go till this “Holiday” I am finding it hard to feel even the slightest bit of excitement, more a nervous anticipation approaches me, lays ahead in my path like a sniper, poised and ready to pounce, those fatal bullets fired.

I still have not started packing yet and wonder now when I will find the time to do so, this evening after finishing at the office I am over at the pub and the same again tomorrow. Last night I knew I should have started organising myself, but waves of blackness fell and the rain set in and stayed the evening through.

I can not shake this blackness that engulfs me, the more I struggle the tighter the grip becomes, I can not find the way forward, the way out. I am wandering around in the world with the lights out, going through motions but so unable to relate, like someone has switched a light of inside of me, nothing is how it should be.

I know the blackness has set in strong, I am drinking more alcohol than I am comfortable with, I seem to be using it as a prop, to dull the pain, shut of my thoughts and for a short while make me feel better. I never even bothered with food yesterday, it just seemed to much hassle.

Its not that I am stupid, or can not even see what is right in front of me, its just I seem some how incapable of my own distress, unable to avoid the inevitable. I guess I could climb out of this pit that I am in, but just don’t feel like I want to, after all what is the point.

I think that is where the key lays, in the point. I mean what is the point to any of this? Another 30, 40, 50 years of the same, day in day out. My eternal quest for happiness yields nothing, I don’t even know what would make me happy, I have become so far lost in the wilderness that I have know way of getting back to which ever path I started out on.

Other people worry about this and that, I seem not to be worried or phased, things that used to bother me seem pointless, futile even. I know they should bother me, I know I should be concerned, but I am not. This is sliding over into real time things, outside the world of my own mind. I didn’t pay my phone bill for two months, not that I could not, its just I don’t know one day rolled over to the next, blurred into one, and two months had passed before I got around to sorting it out, I have never acted like this before.

Driving home the other night, round bends in country lanes I was wondering what would happen if I did not slow, just carried on, would I drive right on out of existence? Would it really matter if I did. The worry then was though what if I took someone else along with me? It would not be fair to ruin the life of another. I have no right for that.

I don’t feel whole, though I know not why! Like a part of me is missing yet all of me is there, other people seem normal, yet I am not. I see them come and go living there life’s happy with the mundane routine of life’s dull dance, myself I am not, I wanted to achieve something yet achieve nothing. Night after night of empty words and silent tears.

The garden of my world is untended, grows to weed and the seeds flow, spreading now like wild fire’s unchecked, its not that I don’t care, its just I seem to have forgotten how. I have forgotten happiness and yet do not know why.

I feel so often now like I am trapped, a wounded rabbit caught in a snare, just awaiting to be destroyed, I look through the eyes of a stranger in a world that has become so alien now to me. I am held fast in that snare, structures and rules that bind, things with in themselves that  have become so absurd they loose all meaning and relevance but still hold on, hang in for the sake of hanging in, this snare holds me tight. Try as hard as I may I can find no escape and the rain beats relentless down.

On the outside I go on shuffle through the motions, wonder why when reason is dead what is left behind?

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~ by Duma Key on July 16, 2008.

2 Responses to “Wednesday thoughts”

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