The weekend passed pretty uneventful and I can hardly believe that Monday morning is here and I am only 4 days away from this Holiday with the parents, the reality of which is starting to hit home now.

Saturday morning the parents arrived, I didn’t sleep well on Friday evening with a whirl wind of thoughts chasing through my mind, sleep decided it would rest elsewhere that night. I got up Saturday more than a little exhausted, with a million and one things to do and little to no energy to do them.

The visit was short which I was relived about, as they too, had things to do, hardly the most practical of times to come to visit. I managed to get most of what needed doing done, and tried to get some rest in the afternoon before I headed over to the pub in the evening.

The pubs was surprisingly busy for a Saturday night and I had some regulars from one of my older pubs, was nice to see them and catch up, also means I have some new customers as they will return. Despite being completely worn out and feeling half dead, I played my part well out front and the night ran like a dream despite the high numbers of people.

Sunday passed  busy as normally Sundays are, the nice weather helped, feels like an age since I last felt the sun. When I finally got done, once again I had a drink then bought more when I got home and sat alone and drank. This is becoming more and more frequent, I think the drink is almost like self medication as for a short while I can shut out my thoughts, shut out me, the things burning up inside that I can not speak of, it also eases the loneliness I feel sometimes.

I still have not started packing or even thought about packing yet for this “holiday” Not sure now when I will have time either, as I’m in the office all day today, though off this evening and office  all day Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I am office then straight too pub, with Thursday being a late night setting off early Friday morning.

I guess I want to try and use this time out, to figure a few things out in my life, inside my head. Its the clear lack of direction and the emptiness that keeps dragging me back. I simply do not know in which direction my life is headed and feel penned in caged, like I can not break free. Money binds and holds me back, I seem to earn more and more and then payout more and more, and end up in a worse position than I was in to start with.

I did win £10 on the lottery on Saturday, that is rare for me to win anything. Would have been nice to win the jackpot, though I can dream, the harsh reality is that I guess I am stuck the rest of my life struggling one day to the next despite my efforts to hedge out a better life.

I hardly spoke to Julie over the weekend, was planning on catching her at Lunch though that will not happen as once again another invades my time, and I don’t really feel like talking much today, in fact I don’t really feel like much today.

I always seem to be running, perhaps running from me and the reality of me that I can not face, can not place an understanding on. It seems so easy these days to get lost in the maze we call real life.

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~ by Duma Key on July 14, 2008.

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