Thursdays Rambelings!

I feel really bad today, like something bad is going to happen, lingering on the edge just awaiting to pounce, I don’t know what it is, I just feel it there hovering, watching, waiting. There is no real, reasonable, sound base for this feeling, it is just there.

I dont want what ever it is to come, but am powerless to do anything about it, since I dont even know what it is, there is nothing I can do, but sit and wait for it to come.

Last night I forgot the code for the alarm, I don’t know why this happened it just did, was gone from my mind as if it was never there at all, strange how that can happen sometimes. I think perhaps the lack of sleep is catching up, playing tricks on my mind, I can hardly keep my eyes open this afternoon, focus evades me. My own fault this time as last night after I got home from the pub, I stayed up and drank some wine.

I actually do not know why I did this, its like I have stopped caring and have given up on the reality of living. There was no reason for me to even think of staying up, having a drink, I just somehow did, and so today I suffer the consequences of that action, that choice I made.

I spoke again with Julie at lunch, seems all is not well again for her, though she could not talk for fear of prying ears, we will speak again this evening when she can talk more free. I wonder how it all became so complicated, so confused, it hardly seems that long ago since I was lost in the youthfulness of childhoods dream.

The whole world goes on around me, an I sat in this state of paralysis just watching, lost inside my own mind, trying to find my way. I wonder if its like this for everyone, do other people look around and see what I see? Do they think the things I think? If only I could be someone else for a little while, take a holiday from my life and find myself again.

Sometimes things just become to much, we have inside us things that make no sense, that seem by there very nature just so big that they create a vacuum and draw all in, it can be something silly trivial, but to you it is all important, consumes all, slips into every part. We worry often about speaking of these things as when there out they are out, and what seems so big to us, may seem like nothing to another, look silly, but to us inside they are the biggest things.

How do we really know who we are? its not as simple as just waking up and getting dressed,  putting on an identity like a suit of armour, its more complex, perhaps on some level we are afraid to find this out as what happens if we do not like who we are, or can not cope with who we are. I am afraid.

This evening I must sleep…….!

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~ by Duma Key on July 10, 2008.

One Response to “Thursdays Rambelings!”

  1. Lack of sleep van make you do funny things.. Once I wanted to brush my teeth and instead of holding my toothbrush under the water I held the tube of toothpaste under the running tap.. reaaaaly clever : ) x

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