Wenesday Blues…..!

Another great start to the morning, Rain, Rain and then more rain, what ever happened to those long drawn out summer days, its not even that warm at the moment. I hate the rain.

Last night was pretty uneventful, I just couldn’t be bothered with anything I guess the lack of sleep and extra work is starting to catch up with me a little. Spoke with Julie yesterday and surprise, surprise, all is now well in her relationship! I just don’t understand people sometimes, I mean she has so much potential, so much she can do but yet she stays tied down to this dead weight. We both know that give it a couple of weeks and he will be off doing his thing again, another women on the go, more lies more heartbreak for her. This cycle has continued for the 8 or so years that I have known Julie and will no doubt continue on.

I think she holds out for the promise of a tomorrow that will never come, she holds on to the dream of love, like a child clinging on to a balloon, she is afraid to let it go as one day, may be one day, all will be well. May be she has bought into the dream, or may be she is afraid to be alone, its not my place to judge, I just await the endless hours of phone calls when it all falls apart once more.

Sometimes I want to shake her, make her see that it will never change, yet still she plods on and as her friend all I can do is support her, its not my world, its not my life, as much as I think I know what is best, I cannot evaluate the world through her eyes, though I do so wish she would wake and see what really is. Not this dream, this hope, she hangs on for. 8 Years is such a long time to waste on nothing, when more awaits. I just worry that she wastes her life on the promise of a dream that will never be when she could have so much more. For now she is “happy”, well as happy as that girl ever gets. I may talk more of her in later blogs.

For me I have the premise of a holiday looming with the parents. My friends think I am mad, in fact I think myself, that I am mad, agreeing to this, I know what it will be like, but I guess like Julie I just want to believe that I can pull some kind of relationship out of what was and always has been nothing, may be I am buying in to that dream as well, nobody wants to feel rejected.

I think if I think about this holiday, with so many things spinning inside my head, my world the bottom line is that I have to give this a shot, I have to try and make something work with my parents, may be let go of the past one way or another. I think that perhaps I am looking for an end, to lay to rest and move on. I am not kidding myself, I know way to well what things will be like, I also know know why they come back in to my life after all these years, why they do not let sleeping dogs rest. With my Bothers and sisters moving out they have this empty house and so seek me out. I was the one who got away, slipped the net and moved away from them, from where I came from. I know this holiday will not work, will serve only to push the bridges further a field, but at the end I can say that I gave it my best shot and walk away, pretend that it does not bother me when even now years later, it still bothers me.

This evening I am back at the pub, from office to pub though what else I would do with my time I do not know, although I have been working on some ideas for my next work.

The rain still falls and the blackness suits my mood, I will venture out for lunch and hope to see the pretty girl with the perfect smile, who does not know my name, nor ever will, and hold on for a little while to a dream that will never be.


~ by Duma Key on July 9, 2008.

One Response to “Wenesday Blues…..!”

  1. “I cannot evaluate the world through her eyes.”
    I think you’re so clear in your head for saying that; I try overly hard sometimes and dunno when I cross the line :/

    That thing about family holidays – I think I understand how you feel because I’m in a similar situation with my parents, and a 3 day trip was like the worst days of that month :/ but hold on inside.

    I love your writing, your descriptive scenes flow so well :] Fan here.

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