Relationships are complex things, we actively seek them out. May be its just a primal human need that we seek to satisfy, or the fear of been alone, out in the cold, or may be nothing more than a basic biological need to reproduce.

Its in these connections that we seek, this desire to have someone whom we care for and who equally cares for us that we become confused, lost almost and so often in our blundering hurt the very one we love, make them unhappy when we actually sought to make them happy.

I don’t know if there is anything such as a perfect relationship, if indeed anything can ever be perfect, but I guess we try and we try to get it right. I look around and I see many people, my friends, colleagues, relatives, friends of friends in relationships many unhappy.

One of my closest friends is in what I would deem a dead-end relationship, going no where serving only to pull her down, why she continues I am not fully sure, but she does, I think she holds out for the light, for him to come home to her and say the things she wants to hear, doing the things she so longs to see, sadly for her I know that will never happen.

8 years now they have been together, they have patches that are good, but these are few and far between, he says he loves her and that makes everything alright. Things will be good for them for a week or two, then he seeks another. She catches him always in the end, though she knows it wont be long until he finds another again, may be she has accepted this again I don’t know, though she says she has not. The pattern always the same he chips and chips away at her, putting her down, eroding her confidence then building her up, he picks fights for no reason, and knocks her down, till eventually he tells her that things are not right that she does not love him like he loves her, places the blame away from himself and on to her and moves her out of HIS house, her home. Normally now he has plans to move the new one in, moving them round like pieces on a chess board. Once she is gone and he has the new one, it does not end there. The text messages and phone calls start. I love you, I miss you, I cant stand to live with out you, marry me, have a baby with me, on and on. Its perpetual this motion he never stops, nor does her phone stop ringing. Times when she has ended up with me having no where else to go have I pleaded with her to turn off the phone, ignore and leave alone, though I know she will not. This goes on and on then slowly she sees him first, here and there, but they are not back together. Normally now the other is getting fed up, or has become a bore. The odd visit turns to daily then suddenly they are back together. This time the last. 8 years now have I see this for my friend, and I fear many more years to come.

To me on the outside it is rather bizarre, no doubt to anyone who reads this, bizarre that she should let this happen. But I don’t have the feelings that she does, I don’t live in that bubble. I think on many ways she is scared to be alone, she holds on to the dream he promises, that never will bloom, and hopes for a happy tomorrow, that will never come. On and on this cycle goes.

For me this is no relationship, there is no communication, no trust, and trust is the hardest thing to gain, yet the easiest thing to let slip away.  I often think that we become so obsessed with living that we forget to live, the same in relationships in trying to do it we forget the things that are important to us the little things that matter. We miss the casual comment over the breakfast table that is an issue for our partners and focus instead on what is for dinner, the trivial, the mundane.

We lock ourselves away and forget to talk, and I mean really talk, we lose the connection, day by day like grains of sand slipping through our fingers the realtionship slips away and yet we do not see, till suddenly we wake up one day two strangers in the same house, and fear its to late, so stay.

We often make the mistake of past, inflicting what others have done before on to our new partners. I had a relationship with a girl who’s previous partner cheated. She was obsessed with where I was what I was doing, placing me in the same field as him, it was this that smothered and killed the light of what we could have been. The flame was snuffed early on and things just fell apart. Each person is different, each relationship different still, what happened in the past is the past let it not bind the future. Learn from the lessons, draw well from experience, both good and bad, take that brand new canvas you have in front of you and paint with wisdom’s paint, let not what has gone before taint what is to come and the master piece will form before your eyes.

Truth and honesty are the key for me. To seek that over all level of trust through honesty and truth, where by I talk as me, not the image but as me and they as them, where nothing is too big or small. As we evolve develop the links set in, we hear each others heartbeat in the dance of life, we follow the pathway observing the obstacles in our way and learn together to walk as one.

Its remembering the little things, hearing what your partner says and being there supporting unconditionally whether we agree or not, express understand and then support. Take time out of life to see each other, the bills will still get paid, the dog will still be fed, but 5 minutes away to be together wont hurt, to reaffirm what really matters.

Its the little things that really matter, the I becoming we. Where you stop seeing a single world but double, where the one you “love” is what lays ahead, their happiness is yours, their sadness yours as well.

Its building upon solid rocks, on solid ground that we can build much more, a house built on sand, a wall with out foundations will not stand the test of time. Knowing each other understanding and being there always, unwavering two as one, that’s where the answer lies.

~ by Duma Key on July 7, 2008.

2 Responses to “Relationships”

  1. looks like an interesting blog, I’m curious to read more.

    and you are right.. relationships are very very complex things.. : ). x

  2. Even though I understand and have absorbed most of these – my last “near-perfect” relationship was sabotaged by my ex who was also cheated on.
    Sometimes it’s so hard for them to gain trust back – I wish only if we knew how.

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