Monday morning once again, the weekend seems a blur split between the pub and much needed sleep, I never have time for me these days, but its the only way I can survive. I am not alien to hard work, I work between my day job and the pub and just about make ends meet.

Rain falls down and this black feeling that holds me at present tightens its grip, I am finding myself more and more wondering what the point to all of this is. Do I really want another 30 plus years of this? Then what?

More and more of late am I wandering around in groups of people wondering what the hell I am doing here, even though in body I stand amongst these people in mind I seem so far away, like a stranger borrowing space, stealing a little time.

I guess I am looking for an answer to a question I dont know, in a world that seems so far away. None of it makes sense yet I know that it all is.

I am sitting in the office piles of paper surround me, again I am here but yet not here as I search for something though what I do not know. I still need more sleep, my body is worn out yet I have to work again this evening another 12 hour plus day awaits, I am hungry having had hardly anytime for food over the weekend, just another day in a world I don’t belong.

I look at other people and I wonder what it would be like to be them, to be normal. The pub was so busy yesterday, crazy crazy busy, and what should have been 6 straight hours turned into 8 plus. After I finally got done I made the mistake of having a beer, the sun was out so I sat outside hoping the light may lift my mood, However after 5 minutes the heavens opened and the rain came down, a torrential down pour began. How much like my life that now seems, I try to feel the sunlight but all I find is rain, beyond my control.

The beer was a bad move, as I ended up calling at the supermarket on my way home to pick up more beer, what else was I going to do with my evening? To add to my already black mood today I have the remnants of last nights drink inside me, and way to many cigarettes for comfort.

One of the sales guys for our sister company has just popped in the office wants to chat at lunch. Great now I am trapped. I was planning on catching up with Julie I think she is back from Spain now, strange how I have missed her. I guess now I will have to wait until tomorrow, I hope she is OK. Of course I will never say that I am annoyed at not being able to do what I wanted to do, but that’s just the way it is!

My car has also begun to play up at the weekend. I have no idea how I will get it fixed and am worried as with out it I can not get to either of my jobs. I guess I will have to hold on to a hope that it will keep going, be fine until a point where I have money to get it fixed, if that ever happens!

The day is panning out badly, I wish I was anywhere but here, I wish I had something to hold on to, a dream to catch, a thought to chase, may be this will never end? The prospect of which does not work for me, does not seem nice. Yet I don’t know how to stop what is from being what is to be.

I hate Mondays!


~ by Duma Key on July 7, 2008.

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