Random thoughts

Lack of sleep, I am totally exhausted today and struggling to stay focused on anything. I am sat here in the office wanting to be anywhere but here.

The dreadful women who has been the bain of my life now for near on 3 years sits across the way moaning and groaning as usual, we do not speak, silence prevails. I often fail to understand people, they confuse me. This one is rather strange, for what ever reason decided that she did not like me when I started here, and the first few months waged a personal war to make things as hard for me and as uncomfortable as possible so I would leave. I know her game, I knew her plan and so I suffered in silence.

I am sat here today wondering what would happen if I just got up and walked out, went home and slept. I know its crazy, one more place I dont belong. Really though what would happen if I just got up and walked away? Bound by rules, we adhere to them, but if I kicked them off slipped aside and went home, would it really matter. I know there would be financial implications, my life would be much harder, but would I feel any better or just swoop one set of problems for another? I know I wont do it, I know I wont just get up and walk out, but its a nice idea to slip away from all of this be gone.

I keep thinking what it would be like to feel happy, to belong some place, I keep toiling back through now empty corridors of my mind trying to find some point in my life where I actually felt happy, or at least a little content, and I just cant find any.

I look to my childhood, nothing there, it was always a struggle. the parents abusing each other, endless nights of fights and broken promises, furniture damaged, ornimants smashed, they never made an attempt to hide from us there arguments, nor the brusies on there faces or marks on there bodys. When board with this there attentions often turned to us, specifcally me as the older one. I guess I never really had a chance to become anyone as all I did was run.

I remember many times hiding underneath the covers of my bed preying for it all to end, desgining my own little perfect world inside my mind, to have it dashed smashed open, I knew what happened inside of me was safe, they could hit, kick punch me they could call me this and call me that, but not destroy the world I carved inside my head where all was calm and well.

I guess that in those early years is where I learnt the image and the self. I learnt to keep self well hidden and project the image that others needed to see. When on Monday morning I arrived at school with cuts accross my face, image prospered well and I would say I had been in some sort of fight, you should see the other guy! Self would cringe safe in the knowledge my “Dad” had pushed my head through a window. My early years were never stable, always on the run inside of me.

I think the day it really ended for me, the day I gave up hope of ever forging any kind of decent relationship with what was supposed to be my family was the day she turned and spat on me, then the realisation hit home, harder than any kick or punch there was never going to be that happy ever after all I had was me.

Since then I guess all I have done is drift, in and out of this, its like I am here but I am not. I have had relationships as superficial as they come, I was there but never there in me, just floating along. I was always scared that I would end up like my Dad, that in anger I would lash out as violence was all I knew, so I could never let them close. I guess I don’t know how to love, I have never really seen it, or how to bond when all I have ever held has been torn from me.

I never had anywhere to turn, as years progressed I locked more and more of me away, I could never sit and talk say what I am actually thinking for primal fear. I never had anyone to ask advice from, what do you think of this or that? What should I do here? How should I do it? No one ever helped me and so I lumbered from one disastor to another. Time when younger I would go for days with out food, no money to eat, just enough to pay the bills keep a bed to sleep in. Where do you turn when nobody knows.

People look at me and think all is well and good, this is the image that I give them to see. I do not let them in or near, I am ashamed when I have no money for food and am struggling to pay the basic bills I have.

I dream of running away, just getting on a plane and heading out to Spain, starting a new life a life I never had the chance to build right here, I know it will never happen, I will never have the money, nor the knowledge to make such a move, but at least it is something to hang on to another dream that will not ever happen.

I am drowning in me, my own thoughts and tangled world, I dread the morning run to work arriving in the car park I feel the urgent dread, another wasted day. I seek something but I don’t know what, may be its just some happiness, may be its just to see me. I don’t feel like a real person, I don’t feel I have a right to be here every-things a mess inside my own mind.

If you saw me on the street came across me in the world all of this you would never know, image works so well she masks the self of who I am.

 

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~ by Duma Key on July 3, 2008.

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